NASA has denied claims that the last surviving Apollo 7 astronaut is alive and well and living with Elvis and Michael Jackson in a condo in Palm Springs. Walter Cunningham, the first orbiting astronaut to sing ‘Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy’ while off his tits on acid, was forced to deny allegations that he isn’t dead.
Conspiracy nut spokesperson, Buddy Marylou Dingus Jnr III, told NewsBiscuit: ‘We have photographic evidence that astronauts are not real. If you look closely, you can see they’re made of cardboard. Them thar rootin-tootin sy-an-tists don’t know shit nor nuthin, and I got me a gun.’
The Apollo 7 crew were the first men to successfully dock and rendezvous in space, but the film footage of this encounter has never been made public. It is believed to be kept in a brown paper bag in a locked drawer at Cape Kennedy and can only be viewed at very special parties.
The astronauts' union, Astronauts, Researchers & Space Engineers, is calling for a travel allowance, a ban on working nights, triple-time pay for working weekends and for all spacecraft to carry a guard. Many astronauts are also demanding the right to work from home.
'We have had to cancel next year's flight to Mars,' crackled the launch area's PA system, 'and delays to other services may be announced later. By the way, is that a suspicious package in your pocket?'
'This is the last straw!' said 60-year-old Ethel Brimstock as she set down her suitcase and sat wearily on it. 'It was tedious enough going through all the check-in procedures, and I really resented not being able to take a drink with me. But at least it makes a change from delays due to "leaves on the launch pad".
'There isn't even a replacement space-bus service going via the Saturn Ringsroad.'