Fourteen year old schoolboy, Thomas Stevens, of Walsall, really does have a girlfriend at another school. Friends and classmates were astounded to discover that the acne-riddled virgin has been courting 15 year old Ellie Beavis, who is a real person and really does live next door to his aunt and uncle in another town.
'We didn't believe him at first,' his best friend Alex told NewsBiscuit. 'We just thought he was trying to act big in front of us. She's not allowed a mobile phone, he says, and has no social media accounts so we just assumed she was made up, like. But, she's real. If that side show freak can pull, then there's hope for all of us.'
Thomas was reluctant to speak to our reporter and Ellie is believed to be staying with relatives, in another town.
'Who cares about rugby? It's just a game for kids in posh English schools, see?' said Dai Griffiths from Gareth Edwards Street, The Eddie Butler Memorial Estate, Llanelli. 'There's boring, isn't it? I'd rather watch the golf, or crown green bowls, or go and have an exciting game of contract bridge' added his friend Alun Thomas, from nearby Barry John Boulevard.
Offered a lift in a Fiat to go and have a Pizza and a nice glass of Chianti, their resolve cracked, as they both burst into tears, sinking to their knees sobbing in close harmony 'Oh, the shame! The shame!'
It's all about the breakdown.