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Kate Forbes condemns same sex clergy


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SNP leadership hopeful Kate Forbes has admitted she voted against male only clergy, insisting same-sex vicars and ministers should not be blessed in churches. Ms Forbes insists the ‘natural’ state of clergy is a man and woman getting it on in the pews.


Divisions within the SNP were exposed during the Synod of Whitby in 664, where Ms Forbes and King Oswiu of Northumberland voted against same sex vicars. After lengthy debate it was decreed that men’s willies and women’s noo-noos were God’s number one obsession.


A translator of Biblical proportions cherry picking said, ‘This is a matter of conscience. Jesus didn’t want men to wear dresses and have long hair, especially ones that hang out with sailors.’


Child poverty charities have thanked Ms Forbes for the opportunity to have a rational and sensible debate on the most pressing issues of the day.



Brian Blessed to play Gareth Southgate


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Brian Blessed has announced he will take on Gareth Southgate at the National Theatre next season. Theatre audiences are bracing themselves for high drama, pathos, and non-life-threatening injuries.


Playwright Jameson Grimham said: ‘Dear England highlights the way Southgate changed our notions of masculinity. I’m interested in how Brian’s acting style contrasts with Gareth’s approach to team management. In one scene, Brian grabs him by the goolies and throws him into the audience while shouting - damn and blast thee to hell thou rapscallion!’


Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson have agreed to play Rebekah Vardy and Coleen Rooney.



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