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British Gas and Kim Jong-un bid for Manchester United


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Notorious North Korean despot and Peter Kay lookalike, Kim ‘he’s a wrong-un’ Jong-un, has made a surprise bid to buy a Premier League club. His consortium is believed to include the presidents of Turkey, Belarus, Uzbekistan, and the chairman of British Gas.


A delighted spokesperson for United's fan club said: ‘We welcome the dear respected comrade chairman of the democratic beautiful game and supreme commander of Manchester United. He is the inventor of football. A sacred heron descended from heaven on the day of his birth and brought the Premier League into being. By using his wisdom and the power of his great will, we the people of Manchester will destroy our decadent enemies. Mind you, the pies are still a bit iffy.'


The bid means United are now debt free and can invest in the team, in punishment blocks, and in motivational cattle prods.


Manchester City have said they will not respond to provocation after a United football was kicked over their ground.



1 in 5 couples close to break-up – 4 in 5 just ‘kidding themselves’


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A study shows that only a fifth of respondents understood the soul crushing despair, meaning everyone else is yet to notice the tears at bedtime or that someone has changed all the locks. Data was gathered on a series of measurements – how often you argue and have you ever put rat poison in your partner’s food.


With such a small number considering divorce, the only conclusion was that the remainder of couples were too addled due to a combination of blind faith, gin and the prospect of the sweet release of death.


Admitted one parent: ‘Broken relationships do impact on children – although to be fair it is their fault. However, things are better now – I’ve replaced bickering with Prozac, while my husband is blowing off steam with evenings of Grindr and carpet bowls’.


‘It’s like Brexit, nobody actually likes being in the EU - it’s just easier to remain. Yes, it means following someone else’s rules but that’s the price of cheap family holidays. Ironically while the EU is being screwed by impoverished Greeks, hopefully this year on Kos, so will I’.



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