Updated: Feb 26, 2023
Winner: Lockjaw
Runners-Up: "The Scandi noir treatment of Worzel Gummidge was considered a little too controversial by the BBC." (Hokeyloki); "When using public transport, always give a clear and unambiguous signal that you want the bus to stop." (Flash Arry).
Archaeologists believe they have found the only known Roman dildo to have belonged to a former Italian prime minister. The 2000-year-old wooden phallus was discovered during the excavation of a Roman villa and may have been dropped in panic when Silvio Berlusconi’s wife returned home early from the shops.
Archaeologists have found traces of hair dye and dirty money on the artefact and are confident it was dropped by a former prime minister sometime in the 2nd century AD.
After a major rehaul to update the author’s work to match modern sensibilities, his publishers were surprised to find that they had erased his entire catalogue. Confessed one editor: ‘Once we trimmed out all the references to fat, ugly and annoying characters, we were left with ‘they lived happily ever after’ and a doodle of peach.’
Complained an avid fan: ‘Who wants to read ‘Charlie and the Vegan Allotment’, ‘The moderately impressive, non-gender specific fox’ or ‘Danny, just another symbol of the patriarchy’? Some art is meant to be provocative; if I wanted something bland and inoffensive I’d have commissioned a nativity play starring James Corden.’
Dahl’s rewritten texts will feature perfectly lovely people being perfectly lovely to each other – where the only villain is Jordan Peterson. The editor said: ‘The title of ‘The Twits’ was already toned down from ‘The ClusterF$ckers’ – or the ‘Brexiteers’ for short.’
