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Scottish seat of government moved to HMP Edinburgh



It has been decided that since so many high ranking members of the SNP are under police investigation, but this probably won’t stop Scots voting for them, the simplest thing is to make HMP Edinburgh the official seat of the Scottish government.


It’s thought votes and press conferences will now be held in the visiting area, to allow those SNP MSPs not yet in prison to take part as well.


The move will involve some changes of nomenclature, a party spokesman admitted today. Party Treasurer Colin Beattie will now become Head of the Escape Committee, whereas former Chief Executive (and Nicola Sturgeon’s husband) Peter Murrell will henceforth be known as “the daddy of B wing”.


The spokesman denied there was anything suspicious about Sturgeon visiting her husband using the motorhome they allegedly bought with party funds, and it definitely wasn’t part of an escape attempt. He also confirmed that her wig would be thoroughly searched, both on the way in and the way out.



Preview of Tory party manifesto



A leaked copy of the Conservative party’s election manifesto read by Newsbiscuit and translated by our political editor from the three-word sentences it is written in, says that they plan to level up the country by ensuring middle and upper class citizens get access to food banks.


The gist of the manifesto outlines the policy thus: It is entirely wrong that hard-working individuals and their families are prevented access to free food, purely on the basis they are not in receipt of benefits. Britain needs a fairer society, where access to food banks is available to all.


To ensure everyone can get the food they regularly eat, we will introduce legislation that requires food banks to supply quail’s eggs, game and foie gras. This will be paid for by bringing back prescription charges to those who are currently exempt.


Unlike the current policy where most food bank users are expected to collect food parcels themselves, it seems that busy senior executives who can’t be expected to waste their time queuing, will be allowed to send servants and slaves to collect their food hampers.



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