Summer solstice delayed until November because of staff shortages

Druids, hippies and other essential workers have reacted with dismay after the government postponed summer solstice until November.

A government spokesman explained, 'Summer is a really difficult time for such a major festival; many staff are away for their summer breaks. It greatly simplifies traffic management to move the date until a much quieter time of year. In addition, I thought that druids would welcome not having to get up at 3 O'clock in the morning.

Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was recently knighted for disservice to the Realm, criticised the delay. 'I've always abhorred civil servants having any kind of holiday,' said Rees-Mogg's absent shadow. 'But if they do insist on it, why don't they simply buy a holiday home or two in the southern hemisphere so they've got somewhere warm to pop off to?'

3 children and a baby set bar high for next I'm A Celebrity

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Retired priest persuaded to take on ‘one last Mass’

He was home free. After a lifetime of saving souls, dipping into the collection plate and running from Satan, Fr Mackenzie finally had a shot at retirement. But the Bishop had other plans. And you don't bash the Bishop.

'It's the Randle brothers. They'll be in town next month. Sinners and filthy rich. Could be our biggest score'.

'I told ya, Bish. I'm never goin' back'.

The Bishop looked around the tiny apartment. 'Call this home? You could be in St Anselm's playing chess with the others'.

Fr Mackenzie sighed. He knew the conversation. 'I'm alone, Bish; I am not lonely'.

It was futile, though. For a man like Fr Mackenzie, the action is the juice. He knew it, Bish knew it. And Satan was hovering, waiting for him to make a slip.

'You live simply'.

'Yeah, well, a wise priest once told me: Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner. Remember that conversation, Your Grace?'

The Bishop shrugged. 'I'm not an Archbishop yet. My Lord will do. This score, though – the Randle Brothers – you could retire a Monsignor'.

He was retired already, but he needed the action. Bish knew it. They both did. He missed the juice.

'Ah, what the hell. One last job, yeah?'

The Bishop smiled. 'I'll bring the incense. Pack your rosary beads Jack, we're goin' hunting'.

Image: Kelly Sikkema (@kellysikkema) | Unsplash Photo Community