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Grim Reaper beats CIA to Castro


Despite 638 attempts, the Central Intelligence Bureau has failed to do what natural causes has managed to do in an instant. The death of Fidel Castro, at 90, is less a success for covert operations and more attributable to Mr. Castro choking on a ‘Werther's Original’.


Cuba under Castro is the story of a small island that stood up to the tyranny of a neighbouring continent; very much like Brexit but where the money actually goes to healthcare. One CIA operative said of the belated victory: ‘We were just lulling him into a false sense of security…and a cosy nap. It was only a matter of time or a matter of lacing his Horlicks with strychnine. Anyway, we’d already rigged his Stannah stair-lift to explode.’


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Teachers to measure primary students' attention span in zeptoseconds



Following concerns that children's attention span since Covid is shorter than ever, the government has asked teachers to measure it.


Teachers are of the opinion it should be measured in Thick Planck Time, but the government believes zeptoseconds will be adequate as the Tory party doesn't have a donor that flogs equipment that measures Thick Planck Time. A pub landlord however, reckons he knows someone who talked to him about zeptoseconds and would be able to supply every primary school with zeptosecond chronometers.


One zeptosecond is 0.000 000 000 000 000 000 001 seconds. The chronometers do not work and the money is long gone.


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