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Markets are a barometer of bugger all


Analysts have finally admitted that share values have as much a relationship with politics, as Donald Trump does with Germaine Greer. Investors would be better served by reading chicken entrails or consulting a German-speaking octopus. One trader commented; ‘The London Stock Exchange is like a magic-8-ball – filled with cocaine’.


Through a combination of crystal and navel gazing, media experts will continue to talk about unstable Asian markets; while confused viewers will continue to imagine a rickety noodle stands. Said the trader: ‘It’s all an illusion – a load of irresponsible sociopaths, gambling with other people’s money…but enough of politics’.


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Marketing department reject new cholesterol reducing drug



The marketing department of a major drug company is refusing to do any work on the company's new cholesterol reducing drug.


Qi ffob, head of marketing, explained that their minimum standard for cholesterol drugs was cholesterol busting. “The public want and need cholesterol busting drugs. Anything less isn’t worth getting out of bed for. It may sound like marketing hype, but trust me, it is.” He went on to say that search engine users often typed in ‘cholesterol reducing’, sometimes typed ‘cholesterol obliterating’ and even ‘cholesterol annihilating’. ‘Busting’, therefore was the absolute minimum acceptable level of efficacy.


A dejected scientist said that although the new drug was effective at reducing cholesterol he understood that public expectations now demanded more than this. He summarised the situation as “Science 0, Idiots 1, again”.


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