Man who lost to Ed Miliband, now an expert on winning

David Miliband is the man who spent his political career creating bogus wars in the Middle East, which coincidently created the largest refugee crisis in history.  Not to be mistaken for the other David Miliband, who now earns earn £500k a year working for a 'charity', whose purpose is to deal with the alarmingly high numbers of refugees we now have.

With the sage advice of someone with his d$ck caught in his zipper, David Miliband has stepped forward to advise the Labour Party. David insisted he was a regular winner – particularly of the Miliband Family's annual 'Not to look like a numpty while eating a bacon sandwich' award.

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‘Nigel Day’ to be commemorated throughout the Empire

Following his heroic defence of the rights of the ordinary man against the banking sector, statues of Nigel Farage have started spontaneously appearing across the former British Empire.

‘Look at those thighs, he’s like a Greek god’ said Nadia, a housewife in Harare. ‘I wish he would come to Mumbai and take on our banks’ said Raj, a civil servant. ‘The man can do no wrong’.

The BBC are considering launching Channel Nigel, a light entertainment channel featuring re-runs of Love Thy Neighbour and Enoch Powell’s greatest speeches. ‘If he has his own channel we can probably stop making every news broadcast about Coutts bank’, a spokesman said. ‘But we won’t. It’s such a wonderful story’.

Fans of Nigel (not to be confused with Friends of Dorothy – very different demographic) have demanded the summary execution of the Coutts’ senior management team, which the bank says it is ‘considering’.

‘The tide’s turning’, said Reg, a local racist. ‘Thank God we’ve dealt with Coutts Bank. I thought the small boats were the nation’s number 1 challenge – just goes to show’. Reg, who lives just below the poverty line, watches GB News every day for updates on his hero's next challenge. 'I hope it's the you-know-whos'. Reg winked conspiratorially, before mouthing a string of racial slurs.

Image: Stable Diffusion Online (stablediffusionweb.com)

Lord Frost says failure of Thames Barrier 'Likely to be beneficial for UK'

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