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Fictional funding at an all-time high


In the face of further cuts to the public sector, the Government was keen to announce that ‘fairy-tale budgets’ were increasing, with services set to be funded by magic beans and letters to Santa. The PM insisted that all they need do is rub a magic lamp and close-down the local ginger-bread cottage-hospital. A spokeswoman commented: ‘Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom of social fare. What happened to it? We stopped paying corporation tax. The goose that lays the golden egg was privatised during the 80s and sold off for giblets - to a bunch of wolves, dressed as venture capitalists.’


Meanwhile, in the land of make-believe, the Department for Education claims to have spent £1.3bn recruiting new teachers – which works out as an implausible £40,000 bonus per graduate.  Said one NQT: ‘I’m yet to see this cash but I’ve been rewarded with unlimited supply of marking and a workload that would make Cinderella puke’.


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Bibby Stockholm : the welcoming speech in full



'I would like to extend the hand of friendship to our 500 new neighbours in their temporary home moored such a short distance from the mainland they have struggled so hard to reach. I would also wish that all 427 of them will be comfortable with their on-board accommodation and dockside facilities.'


'It is my belief that these 350 odd new Portlandians will be inspired by our world-class sailing set-up and water-sports activities, and that many of the 287 would-be citizens will be impressed with the public and private transport links that provide access to local - and not so local - commercial and historic sites which this area of the country has in abundance.'


'I am sure that the 197 residents of the Bibby Stockholm will find their stay liberating, fruitful and satisfying, and that many of the 80 or so 'guests' will make a significant impact on our little island community before moving on to greater things.'


'In conclusion, may we open our hearts to these couple of dozen souls whose journey to this country has been perilous indeed, and wish that this bare handful of brave individuals will ultimately achieve their goals.'


'As a last gesture, I would like to present a plaque marking the occasion to our new friend Tariq - oh, he's gone'

Bank protests after man refuses to open account with them



A bank, which cannot be named for legal reasons, has issued a formal complaint that a potential customer is refusing to deposit any money with them. In a statement made to the BBC, the bank claimed that 'He clearly had a problem, for some reason, with us providing banking services to various dodgy overseas customers based in the Cayman Isles, Russia and Belarus, Sicily, Myanmar, North Korea, plus a few Nigerian Princes as well as funding several arms companies making chemical and biological weapons. If he only knew some of our worst clients are in the City of London.'


'Load of bollocks' said Robert Cratchett 'I simply hadn't got enough money to make it worth opening a bank account anywhere. I have offered the bank my resignation.'


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