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Cows urged to retrain for new careers in post-beef world



Now that herds have to be broken up to avert climate change, cows have been urged to look for a "new social and cultural role". There are already reports of menacing gangs of unemployed Anguses and Herefords roaming the countryside. Klaus Schwab of the World Economic Forum has suggested looking for jobs as extras in Western movies or joining safari parks or circus acts.


"I've been looking for walk-on roles in Westerns", says one newly redundant cow, "but there seems to be a no-flatulence clause in every contract. That's hard to reconcile with the gassy prairie diet. Down at the job centre they even told me I could reinvent myself as a nursery rhyme character. I'm a 1500lb ruminant with an average walking speed of 2mph. How on earth am I supposed to jump over the moon?"


More Brits inconvenienced by Greeks having homes destroyed



British holidaymakers in Corfu are the latest to have a less than idyllic experience as wildfires rip through the Islanders’ houses, farms and olive groves. Some Brits were inconsolable having lost three days of a fortnight’s vacation while locals lost their livelihoods.


The fires on Corfu follow those on the neighbouring island of Rhodes that is only about 700 miles away. There, some British people were forced to move to temporary accommodation, described as ‘a living nightmare’ by Terry Hobbs of Basingstoke.


‘These fires that have devastated mountain villages and destroyed local communities have ruined my family holiday’ he said. ‘Here I can’t even get a pint of Carling and a Full English first thing in the morning’.


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