The Chancellor of the Exchequer and newsreaders' nightmare, Jeremy Hunt, has announced that the government is to make smoking compulsory to everyone over 17 with 16 and 15 year olds to be phased in by 2027.
Mr Hunt explained, "I've examined the reasoning behind New Zealand cancelling the ban on smoking and the raising of taxes by cigarette sales obviously outweighs any minor health benefits of not dying."
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One hundred or so leading writers have signed an open letter in support of the concept of free speech, their own free speech - specifically a book they must promote or something racist, they plan to say.Said one author: ‘I was on Twitter and some dreadful pleb, disagreed with me. Imagine that? The temerity! Obviously, I got my publicist to put out a three-page advert in The Sunday Times, explaining in detail how my free speech was being oppressed.’
Likewise, it does seem odd to be complaining about a cancel culture, while merrily cancelling everyone else. Asked if she wanted to hear what ordinary people thought, the author replied: ‘Why would I want to do that?’
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Appropriating the Peace Chant, the water industry plans to pollute with impunity. Said a spokeswoman: 'We've no idea where Palestine is, or what they want, but they've got some great PR on avoiding plumbing.' An irrate Peace Protestor remarked: 'We're calling for end to Israeli tanks, not an end to septic tanks.'
The Metropolitan Police has issued a warning that such a phrase could inflame tensions between Southern Water and their shareholders. Despite this the water industry boasted that their proposed sewage spill will be the size of Gaza - but, despite the bombing, people in Gaza will have better access to clean water.
Said the spokeswoman: 'We shall pollute on the beaches, we shall pollute in the fields and in the streets; we shall never clean up.'
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