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The measures are a revolutionary new service that will allow the public to become 'Guest Guards' making their home secure and safe to temporarily hold the nation's convicted criminals.


'Obviously, the scheme won't extend to the the prison population's most dangerous felons', said a Ministerial aide, 'but I could certainly see a stalker, an aggravated assault inmate or even a convicted fraudster banged up in a semi in Brentford or Huddersfield. It just makes sense.'


The scheme is looking to be rolled out next year and is already looking extremely popular especially to those with unused bedrooms and the 'empty nesters' whose offspring have flown the coup for University or to live away from the familial home.


'Joan moved to Bath to do her Liberal Arts degree', Mr Richard Holmes of Worthing told us, 'so we've applied to take a low level nonce or a internet harrasser into her room. We've sorted the locks and there's bars on the windows already. It's a welcome income stream as we head towards retirement. Not sure what we'll do at Christmas yet but I'm sure everyone will budge up!"


Mr Holmes told us that his wife, Debbie, was looking forward to being a 'right nasty screw'


Image: Newsbiscuit


The Chancellor in his budget has promised a post-Brexit currency made up of ha'pennies, magic beans and the aroma of regret. While the new 50p will feature the two faces of Brexit – Bojo the Clown on one side and simmering racial tension on the other.


A somewhat devalued coin, the 50p will be the equivalent to a sixth of a packet of Haribo or the new value of Philip Green’s knighthood. The commemorative coin will also appeal to collectors who would like to commemorate the end of the EU and the start of The Hunger Games.


The Chancellor’s original plan was to have a date-embossed potato to mark our exit from Europe, but sadly –post-Brexit- the humble spud will be trading at £38.50. Instead, the seven-sided tin coin, will represent the many sides of Brexit and the tins you should be stockpiling.


Ironically the Vietnamese Dong will soon be worth more than the new British pound; as opposed to the ‘British Dong’ - or Nigel Farage as it is known. The EU itself will be releasing its own commemorative coin celebrating those who have done the most to further European unity and power – Napoleon and David Cameron



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