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Obama, Bush & Clinton to be injected on TV – but sadly not lethally.


All three former Presidents have volunteered to be vaccinated on TV, although most US citizens are happy to swap the vaccine for something a bit stronger. While most say they favour injection, 26% still preferred the electric chair, with 12% saying ‘hangings too good for them’.


Technically the death penalty is outlawed in many states, but they have said they will make an exception for those three. The intention is to increase public confidence in Coronavirus vaccines, but the opportunity to rid the world of three habitual liars may be too much to pass up.

Outgoing President Trump has already had the Coronavirus and is technically immune to anything related to science. Whereas President Biden has been suspicious of needles, ever since Dignitas offered a health check before his inaugural ball.


Presidents Bush and Obama will be seen to by a qualified doctor, while Mr. Clinton insisted on Carry on Nurse. Said one viewer: ‘Experiencing a small prick on TV is nothing. It’s exactly what we had to put up with, whenever one of them said something to camera.’



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Man buys happiness

Brian Dunmore, 56, of Chichester today announced he was much happier after winning the EuroMillions in October 2023. Since the fortuitous win, Mr Dunmore has undergone a transformative journey ranging from horizon expanding holidays and enriching experiences that would have been impossible in his previous life where he was a divorced hospital porter almost continually in his overdraft with his children never wanting to speak to him.


"It's amazing, really!" Said Mr Dunmore, "I was really unhappy and having some quite dark thoughts before the win but now I feel like I've turned a corner. I've quit my job at the hospital and been on loads of great holidays, eating and drinking at incredible bars and restaurants and my family have seen such a change in me that they're speaking to me again!" He went on, "I look great, I've had a hair transplant, I no longer wear tracksuit bottoms, crocs and a Bucks Fizz t-shirt all day and I'm learning to play the piano with Ben Folds! Never would have done that as a hospital porter!"


Mr Dunmore went on to tell us that his new found wealth has also had an effect on the way people treat him i.e. with respect and deference as he feels they now recognise his worth as a person. Even when he screams at them when they roast his coffee beans in correctly or forget to warm his slippers before he gets up.


"The biggest change has been the kids", he said, "they did not want to know me 6 months ago and now they're never off the phone. So not only am I buying happiness for myself, I'm buying happiness for my kids. Which is what it's all about really".


image from pixabay

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