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As Britain’s workforce moves further towards more virtual meetings, it has become alarmingly apparent, how dull the nation’s interior walls are. As any conference drones on, your eyes are naturally drawn to the area behind the speaker, only to be disenchanted by the sheer beige-ness of it all.


Complained one co-worker: ‘I’m so bored starring at the same faded pastel print or the gurning smiles of your husband on his wedding day. Just mix it up, will you! Oh, and f$ck off with your kids’ finger-paintings, you know they would be in the bin, if you didn’t think you might need a kidney from one of them one day.’


One IT expert observed: ‘Appearing in front of a fake library fools no one and casually leaving musical instruments strewn in the background just makes you look like medieval bard.’ Some middle managers have used this as an opportunity to intimidate colleagues, by hanging erotic art or hunting trophies in the background. One bold executive took the decision to plaster his wall with black and white stills of Mussolini, Katie Hopkins and a movie poster of ‘Jaws, The Revenge’; saying ‘Not only is it eclectic, but it creates a sense of unease in the viewer and sympathy for sharks.’


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Despite more frequent flyer miles than a flock of swallows, the rich and powerful have claimed their interest in Jeffrey Epstein's lair was beach related. Said one anonymous billionaire: 'I was unaware that anything elicit was happening on Sexy McSexyIsland. It just sounded like an innocent destination, like Lesbos or the Island of Dr Moreau.'


Apparently Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew and the cast of Davos only visited as they were big fans of scuba diving. While Alan Dershowitz spent days with Mr. Epstein, just to see his collection of interestingly shaped shells.


There had even been plans to hold next year's Oscars there, as all the participants were already gathered. 'Ultimately it's just a cocincidence, just like that time I got my peni$ caught in a hoover. Twice.'





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