Daily Express: Meghan gives Charles cancer

In an unexpected plot twist of The Crown, everyone's favourite villain has attacked the King through his lymph nodes. The Royal Surgeon explained: 'You can spread tumours just by disrespecting the institution. And failed actresses are known to be carcinogenic.'

Meghan's master plan is to render all coins bearing Charles' face worthless, thus crashing the economy. That will pave the way for a palace coup, putting the first ginger on the throne since Elizabeth I left her wig behind.

William's own sexual misadventures will see him step aside - pegged as the 'new Prince Andrew'. Only then will the Daily Express' editor print a grovelling retraction: 'I for one welcome our new overlord, Queen Meghan.'

Image: Amr Taha™ (@amr_taha) | Unsplash Photo Community

Nation plunged into crisis as tens of ribbons may go uncut

A wealthy old chap who jumped a queue of 6 million commoners awaiting life saving medical attention has been diagnosed as probably having overdone it on the swan.

All people qualified in medicine have immediately dashed to his attention, because everything he does is so crucially important. 'Imagine the chaos without a rich old gent pointing at things and mumbling vaguely positive appreciation,' screamed a panicking patriot.

When told who might have to take over duties, the patriot removed their own head and placed it on a spike.

Daily Express shares rose 5,000% on the back of a guaranteed 15 news cycles of wall-to-wall panic-inducing speculation, and all crockery production machinery has been instantly retooled to cover emergency production of inflamed prostate mugs.

A US commentator allayed State-side fears by pointing out, 'Americans aren't so dumb as to have an old white man as their leader.'

Image: Wix

Sad news