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Chancellor’s ingenious plan to ‘get Britain moving’




The Chancellor has found an ingenious way to instantly boost the economy by 10% at virtually no cost. This is achieved by raising all 20mph speed limits by 10%, to 22mph. This bold and innovative move will speed up the movement of supplies to factories, finished products to shops, and will speed up consumers’ journeys to and from the shops. Indeed, all economic sectors will benefit.


Economists agree that the move will definitely boost productivity – but probably not by a full 10% as some speed limits will remain unchanged. Experts are forecasting the actual boost to be between 0.003% and 8.191919%. Tory strategists believe that the new policy will be particularly popular in Wales and will lessen enthusiasm for Welsh independence.


The Labour Party was wrong-footed by this innovative plan and could only mutter about increasing road casualties, as 22mph impacts are slightly more serious than crashes at 20mph. Labour have not ruled out reversing the policy after the next election. George Galloway has complained that the initiative ‘does nothing for Gaza’.


Conservative economics 101




While many are critical of the current party in power regarding the handling of the National economy, it is likely that most of the detractors are unaware of the parallel universe economics that are at play.


Take inflation, the measure of how rapidly costs are rising.  In standard economics inflation is strictly a derivative, a measure of the rate of change of value.  In Tory economics the definition depends on whether the rate of inflation is 'good' or 'bad'.  For example, inflation rising at 11% or so is obviously bad by any measure, but in Tory economics this is not only bad but not their fault - they don't control the external factors causing inflation such as war in Ukraine, price gouging by energy firms supporting the Tory party or by Brexit.  Ultimately it is the fault of the Bank of England that inflation is so high.


'Good' inflation, which is any fractional part of 'bad' inflation such as 6.5% (half), or 3.25% (quarter) or 2% (gnat's cock) is clearly thanks to the government who legally have no control over the Bank of England, but is obviously due to the price gouging energy firms gouging less thanks to the Tories, the war in Ukraine (and Gaza and several other places too mundane to mention) and of course, for unspecified reasons, due to Brexit. 


In the real universe the 6.5% and 3.25% are also bad, but in Tory economics these numbers prove prices are going down, which in the real world requires something real economists call deflation.  In real economics they indicate prices are still rising, but slower; in Tory economics deflation is bad for Tory donors, banks and hot air balloons.  It's also bad for those who actually have any residual cash not destroyed by the 11% inflation, but never acknowledged in either universe, but good for those who actually have to pay for stuff out of their own pocket.  Or for those companies that need to make stuff it should be a good thing, but the accountants would disagree.


In the next lesson we'll discuss political gravity, where down is up and 19% in the polls is really a good thing.


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