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Sunak could be replaced with a Greggs sausage roll




Still trailing in the polls, the Tory Party is desperate for a leader who is popular, affordable and ideally covered in puff pastry. With that in mind, Gregg's sausage roll has emerged as the best candidate to regenerate the country and solve our lunchtime hunger pangs.


The sausage roll is the one part of the economy that is still flourishing. Plus, Sunak has only a fraction of the appeal and nutritional value of the roll. Nobody knows whether the roll has a platform of policies but it does sit on a shelf of delights.


Easier to swallow than Sunak's agenda, the sausage roll is hoping to run unopposed. Observed one MP: 'It's hard to imagine the appeal of a load of loose meat encased in skin but he's Prime Minister now.'


Photo by Matt Seymour on Unsplash

Kate Middleton’s uterus to house News International


Rupert Murdoch’s publishing works have decided to relocate to the Royal Womb in an attempt to cut down commuter costs and the need for a telescopic lens. By taking residency in the reproductive system of the Duchess of Cambridge, reporters will be able provide up to the minute reports on Royal propagation and any future ‘K-exit’.


The move is reminiscent of the Wapping Strike (in 1986) when News International (NI) rehomed itself in the final layer of Dante’s Inferno, next to the frozen remains of Norman Tebbit. This new location will see a dozen reporters permanently based in Kate’s fallopian tubes – a womb with a view.


Mr Murdoch confirmed that his journalists would no longer be required to report on any other news, other than Royal births.  Other savings include replacing the first 10 pages of any newspaper with just baby photographs and union jacks.


Print Unions are concerned that there could be staffing cutbacks, given the size of Kate’s cervix, but NI has previously run an entire editorial staff from within Michael Gove’s spleen.   Said one reporter: ‘Many people say figuratively The Sun shines out of Kate’s arse; well now it will be literally true’.


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