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Government contracts ‘not expensive enough’ to support political parties




Conservative Party insiders fear that the profit margin on Government contracts is insufficient to support a thriving political economy.


‘Everybody goes on about TPP and the £400 million contract they won’, a spokesman said. ‘Out of that measly £400 million they’ll have costs, expenses – I don’t know what their margin was but let’s say 10% for sake of argument. £15 million tribute out of a puny £40 million – we’re supposed to be the low taxation party, goddammit.'


The Conservative Party has always been expensive to run, partly because it needs an unimaginable pile of gold to pay for the kind of marketing effort which might make shape-shifting predators appear cuddly, and partly because of Michael Gove’s nose.


‘It’s easy for Labour, they’re not trying to make sex pests and common criminals look electable’, the spokesman said. ‘Thank God they don’t have a plan. Ours is written in a special book in a safe at Tufton Street. Oh shit, I’m not supposed to . . .’

Fear that ‘Operation Yellowhammer’ intends to bring back Timmy Mallet


The public and armed services are on high alert, after a leaked memo suggests that a No-Deal Brexit will lead to re-runs of ‘Mallet’s Mallet’.  The Operation Yellowhammer contingency plan also references the stockpiling of colourful glasses, rationing Michaela Strachan and using Tommy Boyd as flood defence.


This paints a bleak future for UK citizens, who will forced to join a Wide Awake Club, to combat the exhaustion of living in a low-wage gig-economy.  More terrifying still, in the event of a hard Brexit, the new national anthem will be ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ – but with less of a dystopian feel to the original.


Mr. Mallet rose to prominence in the 80’s with his ill-matched clothing and catch-phrases ‘utterly brilliant!’ and ‘blaaah’ – all of which Boris Johnson would later copy.  He would then beat people with a giant foam phallus; a technique that many of Mr. Johnson’s ex-wives would find familiar.


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