- eppursimuove
- Mar 12, 2024
With Lee Anderson becoming the latest politician declaring he wants to "get his country back", it has been decided to set up a Bureau of Missing Countries to investigate exactly where all these elusive nations might have got to.
As the BMC's first client, Anderson was asked if he could describe the missing country. He confirmed that all the men had a "short back and sides" haircut, pop music had "proper tunes", people always stood for the national anthem, the air smelled permanently of Bisto, teenagers showed the proper respect, public services were well-funded despite taxes being low, there were no vegetarians to disrupt the traditional Sunday lunch with their "silly fads", and of course everyone was white.
Asked when he last saw this country, he said he'd briefly glimpsed it a few Sundays ago after lunch, while dozing in front of Miss Marple on the telly.
The bureau replied that they weren't sure this country had ever existed, but reassured him they'd certainly keep an eye out for it, and asked him which golf club bar he'd be propping up if they had any news.
In response to several enquires, they said they unfortunately couldn't help anyone who wanted to make their country great again, beyond suggesting that dropping everything else in their political programme might be a good start.
Polling appears to suggest that Labour are on target to gain at least 105% of the seats in Parliament, given a Standard Deviant score of three MPs per constituency. The Monopolies Commission, which has for decades argued against an alternative commission to monitor monopolistic agencies, believes that other parties should be given a chance.
'People seem to be concerned about Green issues, but the Green MP voter seems likely to be halved,' said a Monopolies Commission spokesman today, admitting that half an MP is unusual. 'The Liberal Democrats will be lucky to get a quarter of a seat, according to National polls,' the spokesperson said. adding, 'and the Conservatives are looking at getting fuck all squared. Seems to be about right, but we are concerned about the Greens,' the spokesperson said.