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Bureau of Missing Countries set up

With Lee Anderson becoming the latest politician declaring he wants to "get his country back", it has been decided to set up a Bureau of Missing Countries to investigate exactly where all these elusive nations might have got to.

As the BMC's first client, Anderson was asked if he could describe the missing country. He confirmed that all the men had a "short back and sides" haircut, pop music had "proper tunes", people always stood for the national anthem, the air smelled permanently of Bisto, teenagers showed the proper respect, public services were well-funded despite taxes being low, there were no vegetarians to disrupt the traditional Sunday lunch with their "silly fads", and of course everyone was white.

Asked when he last saw this country, he said he'd briefly glimpsed it a few Sundays ago after lunch, while dozing in front of Miss Marple on the telly.

The bureau replied that they weren't sure this country had ever existed, but reassured him they'd certainly keep an eye out for it, and asked him which golf club bar he'd be propping up if they had any news.

In response to several enquires, they said they unfortunately couldn't help anyone who wanted to make their country great again, beyond suggesting that dropping everything else in their political programme might be a good start.

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