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I don't recall nailing Jesus to a cross, says Roman soldier


In the latest phase in the inquiry into the execution of Jesus of Nazareth, the soldiers accused of actually hammering in the nails have been giving evidence. Paulus Venellius (name flexible according to libel lawyer's advice) insisted that he had no recollection of ever nailing Jesus to a cross.


'And even if I did,' he continued, 'obviously, I would have only been obeying orders from above. If you ask me, it's that Pontius Pilate you should be asking. All very well his washing his hands in public and sending his laurel wreath back to the Emperor - but he was the official F-in-C (military term for the fellow in charge). I admit I did hear rumours of a bonus scheme whereby you had a target for how many executions per month, with extra points if the victims were totally innocent of any crime, but I have no record of getting any bonus payments.'


When questioned if he had any connections with the new cult of Christianity, he admitted to being open to suggestions. 'A new church, could be some good opportunities for promotion. Maybe end up with a bishopric – think that's the word I heard. I've always considered myself a man of faith. If this inquiry comes down against me, I have faith I'm tough enough to do a couple of weeks in sackcloth and ashes. But the idea of giving back my whole salary is totally out of the question. You can't get blood out of a stone, I've always said.'


Image by Steven Iodice from Pixabay

Top UCAS points required to get Oxford Vaccine.





The British public have been disappointed to discover that their A level results may not be good enough to qualify for a Covid vaccine. Pushy middle-class parents are said to favour the Oxford vaccine over the Luton Polytechnic vaccine. The Luton version has 100% success rate but has zero chance of leading to a job in the city.


Said one student: ‘I got three A’s, which meant I could qualify for medical school, but I failed to get through the Oxford University entrance exam. So, I’m good enough to invent a vaccine for Coronavirus but not good enough to get it.’ Countered an Eton graduate: ‘I only got GCSE Metalwork, but papa is on the board of trustees. So, not only did I get a place at Oxford, a champagne bottle full of vaccine but, in four years’ time, I get to be Chancellor of the Exchequer.’


One interesting development is that Oxford are guaranteed to win this year’s boat race, as the Cambridge team will all be on ventilators. Meanwhile Oxford Brookes denied trying to peddle a knock-off version of the vaccine, said their head of admissions: ‘We are not part of Oxford University, but we are technically in Oxford. Therefore, this test-tube filled with urine may not be a vaccine but it is technically vaccine coloured.’




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