In the latest phase in the inquiry into the execution of Jesus of Nazareth, the soldiers accused of actually hammering in the nails have been giving evidence. Paulus Venellius (name flexible according to libel lawyer's advice) insisted that he had no recollection of ever nailing Jesus to a cross.
'And even if I did,' he continued, 'obviously, I would have only been obeying orders from above. If you ask me, it's that Pontius Pilate you should be asking. All very well his washing his hands in public and sending his laurel wreath back to the Emperor - but he was the official F-in-C (military term for the fellow in charge). I admit I did hear rumours of a bonus scheme whereby you had a target for how many executions per month, with extra points if the victims were totally innocent of any crime, but I have no record of getting any bonus payments.'
When questioned if he had any connections with the new cult of Christianity, he admitted to being open to suggestions. 'A new church, could be some good opportunities for promotion. Maybe end up with a bishopric – think that's the word I heard. I've always considered myself a man of faith. If this inquiry comes down against me, I have faith I'm tough enough to do a couple of weeks in sackcloth and ashes. But the idea of giving back my whole salary is totally out of the question. You can't get blood out of a stone, I've always said.'
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