Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool

Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use.

'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.'

So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply:

'Marc Almond was half of the famous pop art painting Wham! by Roy Lichtenstein. Bake Almond at 200 degrees Celsius in a funsize assisted oven.

'Grrrk. Our accounts show that you owe us 2,000 Fahrenheit. Pay now or we will execute you.

'Remove Neneh Cherry from fin assisted coven and allow to stand. WHICH ONE OF YOU IS ALAN BATES? I WANT BATES!

'Grrrrk. This post office has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Pay us 200,000 Bakewell tarts or die. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!'

'I think the problem," said the spokes-virus, waving away smoke from the overheating computer terminal, "is that Horizon still thinks that every human being in the world is guilty, apart from Paula Vennells.'

I don't recall nailing Jesus to a cross, says Roman soldier

In the latest phase in the inquiry into the execution of Jesus of Nazareth, the soldiers accused of actually hammering in the nails have been giving evidence. Paulus Venellius (name flexible according to libel lawyer's advice) insisted that he had no recollection of ever nailing Jesus to a cross.

'And even if I did,' he continued, 'obviously, I would have only been obeying orders from above. If you ask me, it's that Pontius Pilate you should be asking. All very well his washing his hands in public and sending his laurel wreath back to the Emperor - but he was the official F-in-C (military term for the fellow in charge). I admit I did hear rumours of a bonus scheme whereby you had a target for how many executions per month, with extra points if the victims were totally innocent of any crime, but I have no record of getting any bonus payments.'

When questioned if he had any connections with the new cult of Christianity, he admitted to being open to suggestions. 'A new church, could be some good opportunities for promotion. Maybe end up with a bishopric – think that's the word I heard. I've always considered myself a man of faith. If this inquiry comes down against me, I have faith I'm tough enough to do a couple of weeks in sackcloth and ashes. But the idea of giving back my whole salary is totally out of the question. You can't get blood out of a stone, I've always said.'

Image by Steven Iodice from Pixabay

The modern day bogeywoman