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If you thought the last 14 years were bad, vote Tory to see what comes next - Sunak

The Prime Minister took some time out today to urge the electorate to consider completing the 'Tory Sh!tshow' boxset by voting for them in the upcoming, much delayed, General Election.


'Every season we like to end on a cliff hanger.  Will the people vote to "get Brexit done", or will they act rationally?  Will the person in charge of the winning party at the start of the season be replaced once, twice or thrice during the season?  Is a fourth replacement possible?


'Will the Tories destroy the NHS, or will it struggle on for another season?  Again?  Ditto UK manufacturing, armed forces, teaching? 


'Will we find billions under the Treasury couch to bung to our friends, again?  Who knows? 


'In fact, if you don't vote for the Tories to be in charge of the next season you might never know what we are going to wreck. Spoiler alert - it's everything.


'It's a dangerous world out there - way more dangerous than 14 years ago and why do you think that is? eh?


'And who is best placed to ensure we die in a death spiral - not Labour, that's for sure,' said the Prime Minister to a crowded room of sleeping journalists.  He knew they hadn't listened to a word and knew he'd won his bet again.  They only story they would write up would be the one where Angela Rayner crashed the economy by possibly not paying £1500 Capital Gains Tax.




Man sent home with pig kidney and a big tub of oinkment

Medical science has taken a huge leap forward this past few weeks, after a man – Lester Snips – became the first human in history to be the successful recipient of a fully functioning kidney, donated by a pig.


Chief of medical transplants, Dr James Thwipp explains, ‘We’re absolutely over the moon at how successful the operation has been. Medical science has been aware for some time, of the similarities between humans and pigs. The medical team had actually been debating this for a few months now but felt it important not to act too rasherly. There were various things to deal with that prevented us jumping in, whole hog.


‘One issue, for example, was how to break it to Mr Snips that the only kidney available to him was that of a pig. We decided it best to keep it our little secret. 'Eventually if was time to stop chewing the fat and just get crackling.


'We’ve been asked if we plan to perform any more pig-to-human transplants and the answer is that we may, but we need to take a break for now. We certainly don’t plan to do multiple operations on the trotter.’


A few days after returning home, Mr Snips invited us to meet with him ‘Generally people have been lovely all throughout – very supportive. While I was waiting for a kidney to become available, I even got a letter from Elon Musk. He said he’d make me a robot kidney that would let me play chess on the computer. I turned him down. I don’t know how to play chess.


'I have noticed a few odd things though. I don’t know why, but I’ve started to feel very guilty when I have a bacon sandwich. It’s a real shame because I love a bacon sandwich. I’ve also developed an over-whelming desire to roll around in muddy puddles. I’m having to buy a load of new clothes so I’ve enough to wear while other stuff’s in the wash.


'I see the local kids keep mocking me. Thing is, an organ transplant - snout to be laughed at. I’m glad I’m here. If it wasn’t for Bernie – he’s the chap who gave me my new lease on life – I’d still be stuck in bed, wrapped in my blankets, drugged up to my eyeballs


'I’ve been speaking to the hospital about meeting Bernie to thank him personally. But apparently he’s very busy at the moment. He runs a catering business I think. I asked Dr Thwipp what Bernard does and the Dr told me he’s in pies.'




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