Starmer: 'Stop the boats... full of Tory defectors'

Keir Starmer – the answer to the question who would finish third in a Keir Starmer lookalike competition, behind a Keir Starmer cardboard cutout and a Henry Hoover with print out of Keir Starmer’s face stuck on – has been forced to clamp down on the sheer number of Tory defectors to Labour.

One Labour MP said 'Most Tory MPs are sociopathically addicted to power and so have no problem changing parties in their lust for control. These Tory immigrants are arriving in small boats, sailing across the floor of the House of Commons. We could deport them to Rwanda for processing, but apparently, "that’s illegal". Boooooooring.'

'The Tories say we should leave the ECHR, but that's because the H stands for Human and so it doesn't apply to them.'

Photo by Dimitry Ljasuk on Unsplash

Hovercraft engineer accused of up-skirting

.

Starmer imposes pre-election curfew on Labour candidates

Keir Starmer continues with his line that there is still 'lots of work to do' before a general election and has told candidates to be prepare for it ‘at any moment’. As part of those preparations, he has ordered candidates of observe some severe restrictions to protect the party’s reputation and to avoid unwelcome coverage in the Tory press.

When out and about, candidates are advised to stick to activities considered acceptable by focus groups. These include going to the cinema (English language films only), going out to eat (British cuisine, no Michelin stars) and window shopping at ordinary stores such as Matalan, Poundland, TKMaxx and Primark (no actual purchasing).

Candidates are advised against going to the dogs (easy tabloid headline), opera (far too posh and not relatable), hunting and shooting, and visiting in designer shops. The preferred dress code is ‘relaxed but businesslike and cool (not hip) and patriotic’. No Crocs or Adidas Sambas. Not too many union flags and nothing with the cross of St George. Avoid blue and yellow clothes if possible, and go easy on the hi-viz.

Candidates should only go to restaurants if a meal costs less than the average weekly wage in the constituency. They should avoid venison, game birds including swan, veal, anything with too many air miles (kangaroo), anything too ostentatiously vegan, and anything that is served with a jus. Suggested orders include shepherd’s pie (but not cottage pie), fish and chips (but not cod or haddock due to overfishing), and root vegetables. Drinks can be British beer (halves only), British cider (not flavoured), tea. Water in all forms should be avoided (tap and bottled) as it’s all too complicated.

Finally, candidates are strongly advised against late nights, raves, lock-ins, stag and hen parties and cock fighting. They are expected to accept a voluntary curfew and be back home, still sober and fully dressed, by 10pm.

Kier Starmer was not available for comment as he was having an early night.