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Woman breaks and finally joins Amazon Prime.




Tired of pop-ups asking you to buy headphones for your dog, goldfish -walkers or glow-in-the-dark ice cube trays? Ever encountered the not-so-subtle huge button to sign-up, next to the miniscule hyper-link that allows you to opt out of selling your soul? Well, spare a thought for June Benta (36), who has given in to the unrelenting pressure of being asked to sign up for Amazon Prime the umpteenth time.


Explained an executive: ‘Our marketing technique is to keep asking until the customer gives in. Basically, we’ve followed the boyfriend/sex-pest model. Nobody actually wants Amazon Prime, but we keep asking – and as the saying goes, the 1000th time is the charm.’


For June, the final straw was purchasing a budget DVD, when she felt strong-armed into subscribing to next-day delivery, a month’s supply of shoe-umbrellas and a free back-rub from Jeff Bezos.  Said June: ‘I cracked. Trial, it said. Free, it said. So why do I feel trapped? Apparently I can now get calorie-free, bottled water delivered straight to my door – ever so slightly quicker.’ 


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Phew, a small boat sinking that we can care about!




News editors and racists everywhere are readjusting to caring about a small boat that sank – the difference with this one is that it had white people on it – and as an added bonus, rich white people.



One newsman said 'When migrants or refugees drown, we can just shrug, because they're not really people, are they? They don't have names, they're just statistics and something for Nigel Farage to hate-wank about. But the sinking of this small boat is different. The British press haven't been this aroused by yacht deaths since Robert Maxwell.'



On the yacht was Mike Lynch. Lynch and Stephen Chamberlain were acquitted of fraud in June 2024, after selling their software company to Hewlett Packard. Later, HP had to write off $8.8 billion on the deal and their attempt to recover their losses by simply printing $8.8 billion of their own was foiled by a paper jam.



Lynch (on the yacht) and Chamberlain (in a road accident) have now both been killed. The timing of the deaths is definitely not suspicious at all. Hey, why is that HP printer ticking... I'm sure it's nothing to worry ab....



The HP printer printed out a picture of a bomb, before displaying a message that it had run out of magenta ink, but it could use the blood of its enemies in the meantime. Then it detonated.


"I'm having that" says King Charles after huge diamond discovered




King Charles has caused a diplomatic upset by asking the Botswana Government to send him a recently discovered 2500 carot diamond.



A spokesman for His Majesty has explained that in the past, when a gigantic precious stone was found, it would be presented to the British monarch as a matter of course.



"Where do you think the Koh-i-Noor or Cullinan II diamonds came from? Wolverhampton? If we only had stuff from Britain, the Crown Jewels would be made from cardboard wrapped in tin foil with opal fruits stuck on them. So, there's a clear historical precedent that valuable stuff found abroad makes its way to Britain."


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