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Even the Child Catcher thinks schools are unsafe.




The UK's decision to reopen schools during Covid is in marked contrast to Vulgaria, which remains in lockdown, ever since Truly Scrumptious contracted Coronavirus and type-2 diabetes. Complained the Child Catcher: ‘How can I socially distance from the children if they are all crammed into the same wagon. When I kidnap, I kidnap in bubbles of two, not thirty!’ 


'Normally I'd be in favour of vulnerable children wandering the streets but quite frankly it’s far too dangerous. And licking lollypops is just going to spread the infection. My job is to catch children, not viruses.’

He admitted that wearing a mask had seriously restricted his ability to sniff out kiddie-winks. Also, he had been forced to adapt his catchphrase to: ‘Here we are children, come and get your hand sanitizer'. 



 





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'Campest crime ever' as man loots bath bombs from Lush



A rioter in Hull who used the civil disorder to loot bath bombs from a branch of Lush has been accused of committing 'surely the campest crime in history'.


John Honey (yes, really) was appearing in Hull’s Crown Court when the judge made his remarks.


'We normally find that men experience a surge of testosterone during situations like this,' said Mr Justice Gobshite. 'But not you, apparently. I suspect the closest you ever come to testosterone is sniffing other men’s underpants on washing lines. Probably drinking a babycham with your little finger in the air while you do it.'


'Frankly you deserve a custodial sentence, but I doubt even a women’s prison would take you.'


Sociologists also pronounced themselves baffled by his behaviour. 'We’ve been aware of toxic masculinity for a while, but this… we don’t have a name for this.'


After summing up, the judge sentenced Honey to be beaten about the head with a handbag, while wearing last season’s colours to make it even more humiliating.


Image: Wix AI

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