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Government to put innocent people in prison instead


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The government announced today that it had solved the prisons overcrowding crisis.


Under the new scheme, all prisoners will be set free and innocent people locked up in their place.


“The turning point came with the recent riots,” said a Home Office spokesman today. “We realised there are more people who deserve to be locked up than deserve to be free. And we just don’t have the capacity.


”But then we thought, why not put the innocent people away instead? It keeps them safe from the murderers and rapists, which is the most important thing, right?


“Think of it as a continuation of a scheme we piloted in the 1980s. Only this time, it won’t just be people with Irish accents.


“Granted, it does mean the free population will consist of nothing but criminals. But for large parts of Liverpool, Manchester and east London, this won’t make an appreciable difference.”


Human rights groups said they were concerned that it was the innocent people being punished. However, a group representing people under 30 said the scheme seemed too good to be true.


”You mean we get to live here, we each have our own room, there’s central heating, we get three meals a day, and the landlord can’t throw us out because he’s decided to sell? Come off it, there must be a catch…”



Starmer quickest PM to become grey haired old bastard



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Usually it takes a full four years for a PM to look like a harbinger of death and Saga Holidays. However Starmer has gone full evil early on. Even John Major took a whole term to become that grey, and that was mainly caused by seeing Edwina Curry naked.


Margaret Thatcher lost body mass but gained a half metre of additional back-combed helmet. Tony Blair took decades to become an endgame Lich from Dungeons & Dragons. Johnson slowly morphed into a hairstack. Although, to be fair, Liz Truss did become a lettuce overnight.


Just because he looks 80, Starmer will not be eligible for the pensioner's winter fuel allowance. Although, ironically, no one else will either.



Starmer addresses TUC conference - “Anything else I can do for you?”


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Sir Keir Starmer today addressed the Trades Union Congress, asking them “Anything else I can do for you?”


He began by asking them if they’d enjoyed the recent huge pay raise for train drivers, before adding, “But don’t go thinking that’s the end of it. I’m sure we can find more money if there’s anything else you need?


“Because I’ve been looking at the benefits bill, and frankly I’m sure there’s a lot of fat we could trim there. This carers’ allowance for the visually impaired, for example - they probably wouldn’t even notice if we scrapped it! And even if they did, without a carer, how are they going to vote against us?”


He then retreated from the podium, repeatedly bowing and saying “Salaam,” taking care not to turn his back on the audience.


”Well I’m not happy,” said Dave Thugg of the Seatwarmers and Clockwatchers Union. “Not a single mention of that cheese sandwich I bought from Marks the other day that was a bit stale. Right lads, all out!”



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