top of page

Rumours about the autumn budget continue to swirl around, each one madder than the one before.  It’s hard to figure out what’s what.  Here’s the latest from the rumour mill.



Commentators, by which we mean people who leak stuff to us, are now suggesting that the budget could include an additional tax allowance for heathy people.



Governments have always been reluctant to bring in a fat tax, because taxing food is a slightly tricky move.   Actually, lots of food is already taxed. Cakes, chocolate, fizzy drinks are all subject to VAT, for example, whereas turnips, sprouts and offal aren’t.   Basically, VAT is charged on anything that is nice to eat.



The new tax break, provisionally called a wellness allowance, will allow any taxpayer with a BMI in the normal range to reduce their income tax bill.   If they send in a doctor’s certificate confirming their BMI, then the HMRC will grant the new allowance for the current tax year.



A spokesman said, ‘The wellness allowance is not a fat tax, it’s a benefit that is available to people who look after their weight. It’s not a sugar tax, or a meat tax, or a pasty tax, or a carpet tax, or any other nonsense.  It’s a wellness benefit.   This is positive reinforcement for good behaviour and will help to reduce the burden on the NHS.  I don't want to read anything about the Nanny State when you write this up.



‘People will naturally worry about the cost of this benefit, against the backdrop of a £40bn tax raid this year.  Let me reassure you that the paperwork involved, and difficulty of getting a GP appointment, will mean that almost nobody will be able to claim the allowance.   If anyone manage to claim it for one year, they probably won’t bother again for the next year.  So the government will get the credit for doing a Good Thing at minimal cost. It’s genius.’




The public and armed services are on high alert, after a leaked memo suggests that a No-Deal Brexit will lead to re-runs of ‘Mallet’s Mallet’.  The Operation Yellowhammer contingency plan also references the stockpiling of colourful glasses, rationing Michaela Strachan and using Tommy Boyd as flood defence.


This paints a bleak future for UK citizens, who will forced to join a Wide Awake Club, to combat the exhaustion of living in a low-wage gig-economy.  More terrifying still, in the event of a hard Brexit, the new national anthem will be ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ – but with less of a dystopian feel to the original.


Mr. Mallet rose to prominence in the 80’s with his ill-matched clothing and catch-phrases ‘utterly brilliant!’ and ‘blaaah’ – all of which Boris Johnson would later copy.  He would then beat people with a giant foam phallus; a technique that many of Mr. Johnson’s ex-wives would find familiar.




If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
























Under pressure from Kamala Harris, who has released medical reports showing that she is in excellent health, Donald Trump has followed suit.  His medical report, prepared by his personal physician, Dr Seuss, is as follows:


   His face is shiny


Tears are briny


   Outlook whiny


   Hands are tiny



   His brain is fine


   As good as mine


   His temperature


   Is ninety-nine



   His hair is fair


   I have to share


   His head is bare


   It’s not his hair



   Oh, what a man


   Oh, what a plan


   His face is like


   Green eggs and ham



   He has a heart


   He is a fighter


   I wish he’d do


   His tie up tighter



   His conscience clear


   He has no fear


   He has a hole


   In his right ear



   His skin’s not great


   As you have seen


   It’s an odd shade


   Of tangerine



   His skin is like


   A wrinkled peach


   Or one that’s soaked


   In too much bleach



   At seventy-eight


   His mental state


   Is not so great


   Covfefe, mate



   And so for my


   Enormous fee


   I promise that


   He’s problem free.


bottom of page