Israel announced today that Yom Kippur, the traditional Jewish day of atonement, will this year be extended to a full week.
'Officially, of course, we don't feel we've done anything wrong,' said a government spokesman. 'Israel's just defending itself, all the innocent lives lost are no different from the civilian casualties when the Allies defeated Germany in World War Two, yada yada yada...
'But when it comes to religion, we have to be a bit more honest. We don't feel G*d would fall for that self-deluding bullshit, since after all no human beings have either.'
As well as adding an extra six days of atonement, Israel plans to add some new prayers to reflect the modern sins the country has committed in the last 12 months.
'Repentance for working on the Sabbath, or coveting our neighbour's ass, won't really cut it this year. We need prayers that say "Sorry about bombing that maternity hospital, but it did look a lot like a missile silo, honest."'
Image: Newsbiscuit Archive
- Lockjaw
- Oct 5, 2024
SS: Today, I will be speaking with the new chairman of UK PLC. Good evening, Keith.
KS: Good evening, Steven.
SS: Let's start with a brief look over your career. You were, for a time, a barrister; then rose to Director of Public Prosecutions, before becoming an MP. Why the career change?
KS: I wanted to make a difference ... to the lives of working people.
SS: Eventually, you became chairman of Disconnected UK, and then, ruthlessly, some might say, sacked most of the board. Was that necessary?
KS: I thought so. We had become bogged down in dogma and ideological infighting. We need to created a fresh vision for ourselves and our customers.
SS: Then this year you launched a successful take-over of UK PLC, with a landslide vote from the UK shareholders.
KS: Yes. It was very gratifying to receive their trust to take the company forward.
SS: All well and good. You made great gains by accusing the previous incumbents of lying, and working for their personal gain.
KS: Yes, indeed.
SS: Yet here we are, a couple of months in to your tenure and, it appears, that you are equally guilty of the same faults.
KS: Well (licks lips), I don't think that is fair. We have merely received gifts from well-wishers.
SS: Gifts that you are now returning because, if I may say, it made your 'holier than thou' stance somewhat untenable. But let's move on. You say that you want to bring benefits to the workers of this company, but, I would argue, you haven't even met any.
KS: That's not true. I and my colleagues have visited factories up and down the country.
SS: Yes, but does wandering about in a hard hat and a hi-viz jacket, surrounded by upper management really give you a feel for the needs of the working person?
KS: I'm sorry, Steven. I think that's all the time we have.
SS: Well, thank you for appearing on Tough Talk. ... That was Keith, the new chairman of UK PLC. It remains to be seen if this is the graft or grift board of directors. Next week Laura Kuenssberg on how to conduct an inciteful political interview.