Labour to massively expand in-patient mental care for its critics

"For far too long," said a Labour party spokes-shrink, wielding a straight jacket in one hand and a sedative in the other, "British society has been starved of places where our most recalcitrant critics can be locked away to get the long-term psychiatric care they deserve.

"Take the City traders who irrationally sold UK government bonds - simply because they were scared of losing a packet on them.

"Well, they're just asking for trouble doing that, aren't they? From now on, we'll be sending Treasury bureaucrats into the dealing rooms to certify all those selling off UK bonds to be paranoid schizophrenics. Then they'll be locked up in the shiny new mental health units we're building until they promise to buy every single bond we issue. 

"And from now on, anyone making cheap gags about Rachel Reeves getting her education at the London Infant School of Economics can expect two years minimum of tender love and care from our specially-trained teams of Nurse Ratchetts, with no chance of parole.

"And that goes for members of the public who've been telling pollsters on the streets they won't vote Labour again.

"We as a government are desperately trying to get the economy growing and to stop making appalling blunders. The last thing we need is people asking out loud why we're so useless.

"You want to have go at us? Just try it, sunshine. See how many people can hear you ranting from inside a padded cell." 

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Private Equity bosses admit they can’t run supermarkets

Private Equity insiders admit that that running supermarkets in Britain has been way tougher than they expected.  ‘The masters of the universe can usually spin straw into gold,’ said one commentator.  'But their efforts at British supermarket chains Asda and Morrisons makes them look really stupid. It’s embarrassing.’

It should have been easy. Take over a so-so supermarket chain, make a few whizzy changes, watch the valuation soar, and sell out at a massive profit.   Bosh!

But Asda and Morrisons have languished, weighed down by the piles of debt issued by the private equity owners.   The interest on those debts is massive, and means that neither chain can invest in stores, staff or supply chains.   All the masters of the universe can do is to cut costs, sack staff and amp up the marketing campaigns.

The superhero private equity geeks are being beaten hands down by people who actually have some experience in running stores.  One of those geeks sobbed to us privately. ‘It seemed like a really easy gig.  Put in a few months working 24/7 to turn things around, and then walk away with millions in bonuses.   Instead, I’ve been working 24/7 for years, and all I’ve got is a shopping card that gives me ten per cent off.  The stores are dirty, understocked, understaffed and expensive - even I don’t want to shop there.  Why didn’t I choose a deal in financial services, software or health?’

Meanwhile, all those dyed-in-the-wool, nation-of-shopkeepers types are twisting the knife, doing all the things that the private equity owned shops can’t do.  Like selling food at a competitive price in a store that shoppers actually want to visit.

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Shock as woman buys Pomeranian but NOT as baby replacement

A 30 year old woman was today praised for getting a small, fluffy, white dog, despite still intending to go on and have children. She bought the Pomeranian, popular with various shades of female who have all but given up on even starting to attempt the arduous slog of finding a male capable of being relied upon, from a breeder renowned for padding out the modern lives of the anxious with dependable love.

The dog, which she has tentatively named, Strongandwontletmedown, apparently had no idea that its role was to be that of a companion rather than fetus substitute. ‘Little Strongandwontletmedown is yapping away for all the world as if I’m going to be one of those sorry sights pushing a dog down the street in a pram. I am not,’ she emphasized with just a tinge of evolving bitterness.

Strongandwontletmedown is a white a Pomeranian, a comparatively rare colour in the bloodline. Commentators are expressing fears that this extra level of pure cuteness may .distract the owner from the urge to motherhood. ‘She’s going to get a lot of positive attention on the street,’ said one male serial monogamist familiar with letting down women between the ages of 29 and 35. ‘The constant praise of Strongandwontletmedown’s beauty is inevitably going to mislead the woman into believing she had some genetic role in the dog’s looks and health. I’m worried that when Strongandwontletmedown dies she may move onto cats.’

‘I’ve seen it all before,’ said another tinder jockey. ‘Woman gets dog, says dog is not kid substitute, woman eventually dyes hair orange.’ But others are offering support. ‘By saying she can raise a dog and aspire to produce a human child she’s breaking new ground in the fight for something or other,’ it is thought a few female academics may have postulated. Meanwhile a mother of a teen on Mumsnet simply said, ‘I’ll swap.’

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