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The Met. Police have corrected and reissued their crime figures for the last ten years, after an unfortunate series of errors in data collection and processing.


The affected figures relate to the detection rate for murders. These figures have now been revised down from percentages in the high nineties to the low forties. The incorrect figures erroneously included crimes solved by officers on loan to other police forces.


This large correction is due to the inclusion of murders solved by a number of different detectives on secondment. The issue relates mainly to staff on loan to the police force in the fictional British overseas territory of Saint Marie.


A spokesman said, ‘The figures were distorted by the very high number of murders on the island of Saint Marie – at least one a week – and by the very impressive clear up rate of one hundred per cent. Our colleagues on loan to the Saint Marie police service have a fantastic record, and we are looking to learn lessons from them going forward.


‘Of course, you don’t have to go abroad to find great detection rates. There is an English police force with a record that is just as good. It’s in Midsomer.’





Opponents say safe guards have been watered down, but Ministers insist they have the very finest Magic Eight Ball. High Court judges will no longer determine consent, instead it will be a panel of experts, consisting of a six-sided dice, a roulette table and a pack of tarot cards.


Rather than rigorous checks, the determining factors will be are they poor, disabled and liable to leave all their money to Wes Streeting. Provided the applicant meets these strict criteria and they are sufficiently confused, then it's off to the knacker's yard.


The Bill in its current state includes provision for a large spinning 'wheel of death' to be hosted by Ant & Dec. The Minister said: 'People are upset about drawing lots, blindfolded from a bag of marbles but I say, life is random, it's a lottery. In this case, it will be a literal lottery on the BBC at 7pm. Good luck, Gran, I've got my fingers crossed!'




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