Racist-in-chief Donald Trump has reportedly complained to aides that he hasn't yet got to one of the bits of his Presidency he was most looking forward to – incarcerating black people without trial – or without a crime.
In a late night social media post, Trump began frothing at the mouth 'It's called the WHITE House for a reason. It's about time that American police forces got tougher on black people – a few more mysterious deaths whilst in custody. No more George Floyds though – evidence is bad!'
'I have removed of the Black Lives Matter Plaza mural in Washington, because black guys love fried chicken, so there aren't enough chickens, so there aren't enough eggs, so egg prices are going up. I am the egg man. Goo-goo g'joob.'
The Elon-bot bleeped in support 'I am African, so it's not racist. Unless Immigration are asking, in which case, I'm definitely American. African Americans are simply too lazy to inherit an emerald mine in an apartheid controlled regime, like me. So they should be in jail. Or working in the mine. As long as they are forced to work and they're not paid. And maybe there's a overseer. I'm just asking questions.'
Many, including some in the Republican party have condemned Trump's remarks.
One leading Republican said 'This is disgraceful and un American – being black, I mean. I support President Trump and everything he is doing. Lock them up. Lock them up.'
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The theft of $1.5bn of crypto currency had raised concern, until everyone calmed down and remembered it was all make-believe. Explained an economist: 'It's like Santa or a politician with integrity, none of it is real. It's as if they have stolen Jesus' signed photo of the Yeti, it's not there to begin with.'
While $1.5bn of nothing is a sizable chunk of nothing, it is still nothing. Ironically, the only people who seem upset by the theft are crypto-traders - which is not a real job to begin with. By contrast gold is very real - unless of course you are in Fort Knox, where all the gold has been replaced by the Aliens from Roswell.
'For the criminals, they have the unenviable task of counting all their imagery loot. I mean, where do you start? What happens if you miss a bit? How would you know? Try smelting down invisible loot, it's hard. Now, if ByBit were smart they should just claim they have stolen it back. Who would know?'
Image: WixAI