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American Pi


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'If those goddamn interfering Euroland bureaucrat busybodies can change the inch to 25.4mm exactly, just to make their sums a bit easier, then we in the free world - i.e., not in the republic of Eurolandshire - can do the same.


'As from tomorrow, Pi in America will be 3.142 - precisely.  No ifs, no buts.  No more of this never-ending number of decimal places or 'irrational number' bollosck.  Irrational numbers are just that - irrational. Which means 'lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence' and 'not endowed with reason or understanding'.  We're going to fix that.


'The next thing we'll sort out is Plank's constant.  At 6.62607015 × 10-34 m2 kg / s, it's so small, it's not worth bothering with, and anyway it's metric, so it's got to be rubbish.  So we'll just abolish it, and save a ton of money.  No, not a tonne, just a good, straight ton.  Of US dollars, obviously.


'But e is a bit bigger - a more sensible size.  It just needs tidying up a bit.  2.718 should work just fine.  (Who the Hell is Euler?  Another goddamn foreigner from Europland?  You might want e to have a different value, but that's just Europinion.  We in America believe in democracy, i.e., doing whatever democratically-elected I - decide.)


'But the biggest and greatest, of course, will be the Golden Ratio, which I have decided will bea nice, round 1.6180 exactly.  Well, until I change my mind again.



Picture credit: Wix AI

PM's integrity level "now a negative number"


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A spokesman for the British Institute for Quantifying Everything has announced that Boris Johnson's Integrity Quotient has now dropped below zero. "This is astonishing" exclaimed Dr. Phil Norrell, specialist in IQ calculations, "We had always assumed that when this level reached zero the individual would be inherently untrustworthy and ultimately scorned by society. However, it now seems that once below zero, the individual exudes a sort of parasitic affect on the Integrity of any other individual in the vicinity. Fascinating - almost as if feeds on the honesty of others, and taints by association".


Prolonged exposure to this field could result in a permanent integrity erosion with no hope of recovery. Dr. Norrell is now concerned whether this effect can be intensified by physical contact with the PM in a sort of inverse 'Royal Touch' effect.


"Luckily, natural revulsion should protect a large proportion of the populace" confided Dr. Norrell. It is believed that the PM has been in this state for many years, but it has been masked by the company he keeps, many of whom also exhibit symptoms of this condition. "All the parasitic behaviour in the group just cancelled itself out"


First published 31 May 2022



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15 Years of Typos - a NewsBiscuit Anthology


NewsBiscuit (newsbiscuit.com) was created in September 2006 by TV writer and author John O’Farrell to provide the UK with the first British online satire news site. One of the underpinning features of NewsBiscuit that still sets it apart from its competitors is that it exists to allow aspiring comedy writers an environment to develop and hone their skills at no cost to themselves, while providing the UK and beyond with a daily dose of satirical and comedic articles and tickers.


A group of six of the NewsBiscuit editors have assembled and curated over 500 comedic articles and several hundred one line jokes that have been published on the website over the last 15 years, covering topics ranging from UK and World news, Science, Technology, Sport and Faith, plus many more.


All of the articles and one-liners published in this anthology have been granted permission to be reproduced by over 80 contributors free of charge.


15 Years of Typos makes a great gift for friends and, of course, for yourself!





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