Harry and Meghan Sussex celebrate their seventh wedding anniversary this month.
Traditionally, the seventh wedding anniversary is celebrated by gifts of wool. Or is it Formica? No, it's definitely wool.
Harry will be giving Meghan wool, so that she can pull it over the eyes of Netflix executives, who've paid out tens of millions of dollars for some of the duffest TV shows ever.
Meghan will be giving Harry wool, so that he can pull it over the eyes of the British who are supposed to always love him, despite the kiss and tell book, the kiss and tell TV shows, the dodgy charity work and the constant moaning about his Dad, his brother, his brother's wife, his Stepmum and so on. Basically the entire royal family. And the British press. And the British legal system.
We expect that Meghan will sell some of the wool on her lifestyle website. So If you'd like to have Meghan's wool pulled over your eyes, then now's your chance.
Are you stupid enough to pay $700 plus postage and package for some wool? Well, are you, punk?
Picture credit: Wix AI
Following the latest Prime Minister’s La-La-Can’t-Hear-You Time, fears have been expressed that the entire rictus-faced Conservative front bench are suffering from the archaic condition.
‘Tetanus symptoms include a grimly rigid expression and inability to articulate more than a weakly confirmatory “yaaargh”, even at the most rousingly rehearsed rejoinder from their embattled leader,’ confirmed a harassed GP. ‘After weeks of remaining unremittingly stony-faced in the laughable face of increasingly ridiculous party behaviour, its re-emergence across the blue benches felt inevitable. The slightest bit of dished dirt, mud on your face, or grubbing about in the mire can easily result in contracting twat-anus, to give this localised variant its correct name.
‘In extreme cases, as I believe we’re witnessing here, the conditions spreads upwards to a glassy-eyed stare, in which the more poetically inclined of us fancy we can read a desperate plea for the sweet release of death, or walk-towards-the-light visions of smoke-blowingly hagiographic Daily Mail “interviews”.’
Happier to publish their medical records than tax returns or fixed penalty notices, Tory Ministers have attempted to deny their expressions are current frozen more solidly wooden than the lacquered Cabinet table itself, with one clarifying: ‘Ert’s jssst a tmp- tmp- shrrt chnge ’n th winnnnd, yaaargh?’
First published 29 May 2023
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