The newly set-up British Tennis Academy published its syllabus today, revealing that in addition to the usual tennis skills and fitness training, it will teach a module on “choking”.
'Choking is obviously a crucial part of the British game,' said Head Coach Mark St-Spencers. 'But people imagine it somehow comes naturally and doesn’t require my work. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Granted serving a series of double faults is easy enough in itself, but what takes years to learn is exactly when to do it. Do it too early, and you never build up that doomed anticipation and forlorn hope that maybe, just maybe, a British player might win. You become just another Brit who crashed out during the first week of whichever tournament.
“But leave it too late, of course, and you might actually win. Which would be… well, to be honest I’m not sure what that would be like. But certainly not in the British tradition of gallant failure.”
When reminded of Andy Murray’s success at Wimbledon and elsewhere, St-Spencers said: 'Yes, I thought you might bring him up. And yes, no doubt he was very good in his way, though I for one am glad I no longer have to pretend that I accept Scots as "one of us".'
'I was worried his young brother Jamie might go on to be successful too, but he seems to be a busted flush, thank God.'
Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash
Following reports that NASA have 'got around to updating' its Mars Rover operating system, only 18 years since the last update, tech experts in the NHS have considered following suit. 'We knew our Windows 98 software was in need of an update and felt the systems were in danger of being hacked by Nigerian fraudsters,' said a NASA spokesman today, 'so we uploaded the 2004 April patch. It took hours, not because Mars is so far away, but because, well, it's Windows.'
IT experts working for the NHS have concluded that such an update is possible. 'If we update the central server to a Pentium and fit a CD drive we might be able to load Windows 95,' said one expert, musing if the updated spec would be compatible with the industry standard Spectrum computers. 'We might even consider fitting monitors as well, given the ticker-tape machines are wearing out a bit,' he added.
First published 29 June 2022
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