Starmer quits Corbyn's new party

In a carefully prepared statement, from 2015, Sir Starmer distanced himself from Sir Keir Starmer from 2015. Stating that he had no plans to join a left wing party now or in the future. Or the past for that matter.

"I have been a loyal activisit since before I was born. So, it's with a heavy heart that I must tend my resignation from a party I never joined and had no intention of joining.

In the words of Groucho Marx, I do not want to be a member of a party that would a c%t like me as a member.'

image from pixabay

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Israel plans to dominate Glastonbury in 2027

Benjamin Netanyahu watched the Glastonbury coverage this year with a growing sense of alarm.

He watched the coverage of Kneecap and Bob Vylan aghast. The crowd was a sea of Palestinian flags. There was not a single star of David to be seen. The mood was far from positive for Israel.

Bibi released that he had badly missed a trick. Glastonbury coverage is shown around the world, and his enemies had scored a massive PR victory.

And so Bibi has decided to create an Israeli supergroup that is so awesome and cool that the band will be a 'must book' for the next Glastonbury Festival in 2027. The musical genre has yet to be decided, but Bibi has suggested a mash-up of the musical styles of The Settlers and Dire Straits.

Bibi plans to build on Israel's four Eurovision wins. He is certain that, with hard work, practice, musical talent and some tactical interventions by Mossad, the goal can be achieved.

Bibi dreams of crowd-surfing at Glastonbury 2027, carried through a sea of Israeli flags. He is sure that the BBC's famed impartiality will help him to broadcast Israel's message of peace, hope, freedom and the obliteration of Gaza, around the globe.

Picture credit: perchance

Samaritans threatened with redundancy have no-one to call

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