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Trump jails both US and European Ryder Cup teams

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"I have issued an official legal order imprisoning everyone who played in last weekend's Ryder Cup for un-American activities," Trump told reporters while adding his signature to some words scrawled on the back of an envelope.


"The European team are guilty of being un-American by beating our great golfing heroes at what I've decreed is our national sport.


"Lots of people are saying nowadays that golf was invented by a fat, rich, lazy American who wanted to play a game in which he could ride round in a buggy all day. That sounds a lot like me, your favourite president.


"And I'm locking up the US players for being un-American and losing to a bunch of very nasty, yoghurt-eating European liberals.


"That's despite the thousands of robot spectators we packed onto the course to chant 'USA! USA' and boo Rory McIlroy whenever he was playing a shot.


"I sentence these traitors to hard labour," ranted Trump, suppressing the urge to make a Nazi salute. "I'll make them build the White House's new Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Ballroom and serve drinks in it to Prince Andrew and all the other guests.


"Besides, they ignored my presidential orders to win the Ryder Cup by cheating," said Trump.


"How do you expect to win if you don't cheat?"



Galloway irritated that he was collaborating with Russia before it was popular

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George Galloway, detained by the UK authorities earlier this weekend, has released a statement noting that he was collaborating with the Russian before it was trendy,


“I was going back and forth to Moscow when it was Chernenko in the seat”, opined a visibly irritated Galloway to assembled Journalists, “All the Johnny-come-lately’s like Orban, Trump, Melloni make me a little sick. Where were you when the wall come down? Rocking out to Hasselhoff, no doubt.


He went to savage Nigel Farage, and in general the Reform party, of cosying up to Putin and Moscow now that Nationalism and Authoritarianism are trendy.


“Even one of Farage’s lot has actually got charged with Russian collusion to be the big man in front of his mates”, said Galloway with a tear in his eye, “at least I’ve be an ‘out’ stooge for years, you lot are listening to greatest hits, you’ve no idea of the deep cuts. I had a show on Russia Today for fuck sakes!”


He went on to snarkily advise his new colleagues to be very wary about being near windows in high rises if they know what's good for them.



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