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Trump to star in "Groundhog Day 2: Ukraine, Again and Again"


"He's a deeply disagreeable, narcissistic showman who treats everyone around him like dirt," said a spokes-clapperboard for the Groundhog Day franchise.


"Therefore, the gods punish him by making him try to get a peace deal for Ukraine, on a loop, for the best part of a year.


"Every time, it's the same story. Donald Trump tries to bully Zelensky into giving Russia everything it wants - because that would make the whole business so much simpler. Every time, Zelensky's European allies come to his aid and he resists.


"Then Trump starts all over again, trying to ram Russia's wish list down Zelensky's throat and make him swallow it.


"Every new day in the movie starts with a cute and chubby rodent called 'Witkoff' poking its head up in the Kremlin and then getting paraded around the place by oligarchs for people's amusement.


"'Why does Trump try so hard to clinch this peace deal?' I hear you ask," said the spokes-groundhog. "Well there's a love interest Trump is trying to impress, who he'd do anything for.


"We tried to persuade the delightful Andie MacDowell to reprise this role. However, she said no amount of money could persuade her to do an romantic scene with someone as repulsive as Trump.


"'Who do you think I am, Stormy Daniels?' were her precise words.


"So we had to settle for some ageing Russian goblin called Vladimir. Luckily, Trump's fallen head over heels for him - the weirdo."




Heathrow third runway is part of M25


Heathrow’s much discussed third runway has been given the green light and will see it sharing space with the M25. Long haul flights to the far East will now merge with motorway traffic to Hounslow and Feltham. Airplanes will have to keep two chevrons apart and the hard shoulder will be used to indicate the position of the wing tips.


The plans, passed by a narrow majority in a free vote in the House of Commons this week, have been variously described as ‘insane’ and ‘inspired’. Put together by a consortium that includes Heathrow’s owners Heathrow Airport Holdings Limited; Moto Services; and the AA and RAC, the plans include specially adapted service stations with a Fly-Thru facility and air pressure machines with extra-long cables to reach the high access points on 747s and 380s


Controversially, the consortium has also been working with Google on a fleet of pilotless airplanes, dubbed UnEasyJet.


A spokesman for the Heathrow consortium said: “We are delighted that our proposal has been accepted. This is the way forward for the airport as it comes to grips with the needs of 21st century travel. Now, at this time, we ask you to please make sure your seatbelt is securely fastened, your seat is in the upright position, and your tray table is stowed. Thank you for choosing Heathrow expansion and we wish you a pleasant flight.”






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