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Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet


Diners at a Liverpool Street bistro looked on in utter disbelief as a good vet got a plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet again.


Hedge Fund Investor, Tim Shannon, ordered Cannon of Lamb cooked medium-rare. He said: ‘I'm not squeamish but when it came it was almost swimming in blood. I mentioned to my colleague “a good vet could get that back on its feet again" and with that all hell broke loose.


‘Some chap shouts out, "stand back, I’m a vet!” He then shoos us away from our table and erects a makeshift screen around it using a few tablecloths.


‘We hear a bit of puffing and panting, then to everyone’s amazement a bleating sound. Next thing we see is the chap emerging from behind the screen carrying this beautiful fluffy lamb.’


Restaurant Proprietor, Gyles Pettigrew, told reporters. ‘It was amazing and publicity has done us no harm.'


When asked how the lamb was doing after the ordeal, Pettigrew added: 'Oh, the little fellow is just fine. He’s out the back in the freezer preparing to guest star in Wednesday's Gourmet Evening.'




First published 29 May 2023


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The year is 2026 and Tony Blair can still f$ck off

Memories last almost as long as university debt, so unsurprisingly the British public are less than thrilled that Anthony Charles Lynton Blair has reappeared with all the delights of shingles. Telling us to embrace further austerity and privatization, he is the James Corden of war-criminals.


Having received millions of pounds from fossil fuels and AI lobbyists, unsurprisingly this skull-faced gimp has come out in favour of oil tankers and giving your sort code to The Terminator. Spouting nonsense about the radical centre—Blair is about as convincing as someone explaining that Coldplay are edgy.


Said one voter: ‘I was happy to see the back of him once, so I’m delighted to do it a second time. He has the dead-eyed stare of a mannequin that was previously loaned by Jeffrey Epstein to Donald Trump. He’s the coworker who says ‘Let’s circle back’ like it’s a threat. Of all the offs he is the most f$ckety of all of them!’



Image: ChatGPT

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