Millions fooled by 'Nigel Mirage' say British geographers

'In our recent travels across the toxic landscape of British politics,' said a spokes-compass for the Royal Geographical Society, 'we have encountered a remarkable new phenomenon which we have named the 'Nigel Mirage'.

'A Nigel Mirage occurs when the leader of Reform announces what seems from a distance to be a radical and ruthless new policy proposal but which, when you get closer to it, suddenly disappears.

'For example, we saw Nigel claim that he would cut off welfare payments to migrants and save the Treasury £260 billion a year. But on closer inspection, it turned out there were hardly any categories of people that Nigel could actually take money away from, so the idea dissolved into thin air.

'Similarly, with Reform's schemes for mass deportations to El Salvador and Afghanistan. They loomed up in the shimmering distance, looking like monumentally important party policies. However, at the precise moment that Nigel started getting cross-examined in press conferences, these schemes magically vanished. All you could see in their place was Nigel shaking his head while claiming to have been misquoted by the media.

'The strange thing,' said the RGS spokes-atlas, 'is that moderate voters believe Nigel when he tells them that these hardline policy ideas were mere tricks of the light, and that he's actually a moderate guy.

'However, for voters on the hard right, these Nigel Mirages stick in the head and continue to look very real indeed. These voters carry on having the clear impression that if Reform gets into power, it will let migrants starve and then throw them out of Britain.

'It's almost as though,' the spokes-trigpoint mused, 'the Nigel Mirage was designed to work that way.'

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British Youngsters Should Learn How to Prepare For Hanging

Opposition leader, Kemi Badenoch is facing mounting criticism after stating in a recent article in The Spectator magazine that all British schoolchildren should be taught how to deal with the prospect of being hanged for murder.

Badenoch makes the claim that the Conservative Party will reintroduce capital punishment if re-elected; therefore, youngsters should be taught how best to deal with the difficulties they could face during the days between sentencing and the gallows.

'Being hanged, although a wonderfully effective deterrent against unlawful killing, can be a challenging business at the end of the day, so the sooner young people learn how to deal with the prospect, the better, in my view.

'My proposal would see children being taught how best to while away the hours in the condemned cell. Perhaps by learning solitary card games or being taught how to play mournful tunes on the harmonica.

'A guide to making a healthy choice for that last meal could also be included.

'The trouble with the current education in our schools is that far too little attention is paid to life's everyday challenges, like household budgeting, buying a mortgage, and even painting and decorating one of the new homes that my government would give to all newlyweds absolutely free.'

'Facing execution by hanging with good old British fortitude and decorum would therefore be top of my list on any British school curriculum.

'There'll be no shaking like a jelly, screaming for mother or trouser-soiling if I have anything to do with it'

Badenoch's shock proposal comes just a week after Reform Party leader, Nigel Farage, insisted that, under a Reform administration, all foreign nationals entering the country illegally will be strung up from lampposts along the Dover to London road 'like those slaves in Spartacus'.

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Scientists discover link between orange makeup and sociopathy

US Scientists have discovered a causal link between the excessive use of orange make up, especially haphazardly applied to the face area, and sociopathy. They will announce later that members of the public should be extremely cautious of those displaying the obvious symptoms of clownish, almost childish, excessive application of orange makeup as they are a danger to society and should not be approached, trusted or smelt.

The scientists claimed on Monday that applying the makeup, colloquially known as 'madslap', 'is no good' and that people should 'fight like hell' to avoid these people, not listen to their insane ramblings and encourage them to get the help they need after a 'bloody good wash'.

Health officials in the UK have stressed that 'madslap' is a dangerous substance and discouraged experimentation and it tends to lead to propensity for extremist, self serving bouts of loud nonsensical proclamations and the urge to go to port towns and point forlornly at boats.

The manufacturer of 'madslap', officially known as 'wotsit sunrise' have said that 'studies that have been conducted in the past, show no clear evidence that proves a direct relationship between the prudent use of wotsit sunrise and any psychotic episodes or a blind rage focussed on people not of your race. This is all fake news pushed forward by the MSM, libtard, woke, radical leftists. Thank you for your attention to this matter.'

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