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Trump Taken on Dazzling Tour of Windsor's Industrial Bins

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In a bid to keep the controversial president safe from the baying crowds, the Royal Household opted for a scaled back State Visit.


“We decided to keep the President within the confines of the Windsor estate to protect him from the rabble,” our royal correspondent tells Newsbiscuit. “The president was still honoured with a golden carriage ride and a royal procession that lasted approximately 30 seconds. He was then taken on an illustrious tour of the back of the bins.”


As the safest location, with walls tall enough to obscure the throng of waving pitchforks just outside, president Trump was able to ponder the vast breadth of British history as he was guided around the waste collection point.


“It’s beautiful. So marvellous. A very very nice bin,” the President gushed, as the royal staff took smoke breaks and scratched their balls. “Not as big as my bin of course. My bin is the biggest. The most shiny.”


Concerned at the implications of a large state banquet, a takeaway was instead ordered for the head of state.



BBC'S psychic Chris Mason can read your mind

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"We hired Chris Mason as our political editor because he sees right inside your head," a BBC AI bot with a crystal ball told reporters.


"Let's say the deputy prime minister resigns. You think to yourself: 'that's a bit tricky for Starmer', and you promptly forget you'd ever thought it.


"But then, there'll be a BBC news alert and an article will appear from Chris Mason saying: 'this is a bit tricky for Starner' - helpfully alerting you to what had gone through your mind three hours before, while you were feeding the cat.


Similarly, you saw on the telly Trump sodding off on Airforce One at the end of his state visit and you vaguely mused: 'that went off all right'. Well, Chris Mason then echoed your thoughts to the letter with a typically penetrating piece of journalism which said: 'that went off all right'.


"That's the reason for reading Chris Mason's stuff. He's the best in Britain for telling you what you already know.


"Later this autumn," said the spokes-creep, as yawning reporters started toppling off their seats with boredeom, "keep an eye out for Chris Mason giving us more of his stunningy profound insights into the state of our nation with articles saying 'it's getting a bit nippier' and 'the leaves are falling off the trees'.


Chris Mason's latest masterpiece - 'What I did on my smashing summer holiday with Nige in Birmingham' - is available on BBC News Online.



Personal trainer ‘just a bloke’

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James Moorhouse, chartered accountant, has come to the realisation that his Personal Trainer is just a man, rather like himself.


‘I’ve been going twice a week now for three years’, said Mr Moorhouse. ‘Everybody round here has a PT. He gets me lifting weights, running, doing a swishy thing with big ropes, stuff like that. Then I noticed a few people doing the very same exercises but without a PT. After last week’s session I sneaked back, while Guy – that’s my trainer – was busy telling an HR director to “do another five reps” and asked one of them how it works.


‘Apparently, you can just decide which exercises to do yourself! I know, it sounds . . . decadent. Wrong. I discussed it with my Cleaning Instructor – she supervises me while I clean my house, seventy quid very well spent – and she pulled a disapproving face, so maybe I should just stick with the PT.


‘It isn’t illegal, is it?’



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