Energy Drinks ban for under 16s, barring the excellent BEAST CAFFEINE+

The government is planning a new law to stop under 16s buying energy drinks such as Red Bull, Monster and Prime but state they will make an exception for the excellent, nutritious and tasty BEAST CAFFEINE+.

30% of UK children consume these harmful (and inferior) drinks every day, ignoring the incredible health benefits of BEAST CAFFEINE. And whilst most supermarkets have introduced a voluntary ban, they make an exception for BEAST CAFFEINE+ due to its impossible tastiness.

Some popular drinks contain more caffeine than two cups of coffee, but BEAST CAFFEINE+ contains more than four! Excessive consumption of inferior products is linked to headaches and sleep problems, while BEAST CAFFEINE+ promises increased HEADTHROB™, 100% increased alertness leading to drastically reduced sudden animal attacks, and that cool on-the-edge feeling.

Health and Social Care Secretary Wes Streeting told Newsbiscuit that the government had to act, and was encouraged to do so by drinking cans of BEAST CAFFEINE+. This increased his policy accuracy by 75%, and his overall poll numbers by 50%! He told us, 'My kids were suffering, I could see these types of drink were having a detrimental effect on them. Then I was contacted by the good people at BEAST CAFFEINE+ and they have effectively saved Britain from the untold effects of being a square and not looking cool drinking a luminous yellow tasty beverage,'

Too much caffeine can cause a rapid heart rate, abnormal heart rhythms and seizures. Just the right amount of caffeine, like in BEAST CAFFEINE+, leads to excessive attractiveness, speed and freakish strength.

While no official date has been set for the ban, Streeting said it's best to stock up on BEAST CAFFEINE+ in case the 'stuffy old farts' in the Lords spoil his plans.

Image credit: perchance.org

New Angela 'Three Pads' Rayner version of Monopoly launched

Hasbeen, manufacturer of the classic property trading board game Monopoly, has decided to base a special edition on the antics of Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner. 

The object of the 'Three Pads' version is to acquire three properties while paying as little tax as possible. To do this, players can put properties in trust, or flip them from first to second home and back again according to the needs of the moment.

However, some of the game developers feel that to base it too closely on Rayner’s behaviour would make it too complex to be fun for anyone but specialist tax accountants.

'So you’re saying that if you put this property in trust, you pay less stamp duty on that one… oh, but then don’t you have to pay more council tax if it’s a second home?… sod it, let’s just say that if you draw two 'Keir Starmer has full confidence in you' cards in a row, you go to jail.'

Sources close to Three Pads say the rest of the cabinet tried to take her mind off things with a karaoke night, though it didn’t help her mood when she got up to sing and someone put on 'Should I stay or should I go?'

Image credit: perchance.org

Coming Soon: Stephen King’s Autumn Statement

Horror fans are eagerly awaiting the latest adaption by Stephen King, called ‘Autumn Statement’.

The film is a psychological thriller, in which an entire country is overcome by depression, gloom, despondency, and suicidal thoughts, all caused by a menacing and shape-shifting monster called the Autumn Statement.

Film critic and grossly overweight popcorn destroyer, Arthur Howse, is sure that the film will become a classic. ‘It scares the shit out of everyone. Young people trying to find somewhere to live or find a job. Young families who need childcare. Householders in big and expensive houses. Old people who need to eat, or keep warm. Farmers.  Motorists. This film scares all of them. I’ve seen it four times and I haven’t slept since.

‘The great trick is that the film threatens so many terrible things – bad things that will affect hospitals, banks, businesses, charities, sick people, healthy people, workers, students – everyone in fact. Hellfire, the Autumn Statement even threatens the dead – undermining their dying wishes and taxing them retrospectively, so that they can’t help their children and their dependents. It’s mental torture. And it’s brilliant stuff.

‘The tension is heightened because there is no way to fight the Autumn Statement. It’s a monstrous terror that lives in the shadows. It's everywhere.  It's all around you.  Everyone is talking about it, but no-one knows what to do.  If you think you can cope with one of its proposals, then two new terrifying ideas will immediately spring up to scare you rigid and keep you awake at night. The film promises you a slow and horrifying death, as your loved ones die around you from untreated illnesses, your possessions are slowly taken from you, you lose your job, all certainties about your future are undermined, and your money and assets are slowly drained away.

‘No one can defeat the Autumn Statement. There is no escape.

Editor's note: Autumn Statement is the fourth film in Stephen King’s ‘Black Economy’ franchise. The first three films are called Black Hole, National Insurance, and Winter Fuel Payment.  

Image credit: perchance AI