Chipping Norton Massive to become proscribed organisation

The feared Chipping Norton Massive has been declared a proscribed organisation after ‘dancing aggressively’ in the general direction of JD Vance. In a separate incident, described by Government sources as ‘truly appalling’, the Vance party’s reservation at a posh pub in the Cotswolds was cancelled after staff refused to serve him because he’s a bell-end with a 23 car motorcade.

Several protestors – listed by the FBI as “Cotswolds’ Most Wanted” – waved placards containing ‘hurtful’ images of Vance as a balding fatty.

‘No public house should refuse service on grounds of bell-endery’, a Government spokesman said. ‘And hurtful images are a clear breach of, erm, the Terrorism Act. The UK and US share a Special Relationship and the Chipping Norton Massive appear to have forgotten which partner in this relationship uses the lube’.

We asked the Chipping Norton Massive for a statement but they were busy preparing for the Best Kept Village contest. 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

In a surge ‘only coincidentally’ linked with the prospective peace talks, backyard trade of stolen property, and septuagenarian wall-spaffing contest between Presidents Trump and Putin, Alaskan shopkeepers are reporting unprecedented sales of piano wire, gold paint, tamperable perfume bottles, lethal home entertainment lasers, and inflatable Saudi-linked embassies.

Raising suspicion that every Russian gangster, hoodlum, and hopeful is being mobilized on a one-chance murder mission should the Ukrainian president be allowed into the boardroom long after the competing snow sculptures of Trump and Putin’s penises have melted into base staffers' recurring night terrors, those left scrabbling for the last Aeroflot seats were forced to desperately purchase bicycles, wobbly ladders, plate glass windows, cans of paint and crates of chickens, in a misguided but laudable bid to nail their man and avoid their flight home ‘unfortunately’ steering directly into a mountain.

Responding to speculation about similarly unseasonably high tourism levels, a representative of the Alaska Tourism Board, muttering from behind a newspaper with two eye-holes cut in it, said: ‘I’m sure all these dead-eyed day-trippers are simply here to enjoy the sights, like the historic Elmendorf-Richardson military base chapel, whose corrugated iron roof reaches an impressive 5 metres above snow-level.

‘We did find a suspicious character sheltering inside the putrefying body of a dead cow cuddling a .22 rifle with “from mah clammy, fact-averse hands” scrawled on it, but it turned out to be JD Vance: he’s from the mid-West, I think it just reminded him of home.’

Photo by Rene Böhmer on Unsplash

Football commentators say pre-season has been 'unbelievably fantastic'

Preparations for the new Premier League season are almost complete for television pundits and most are agreed that the pre-season friendly matches have, yet again, been either 'unbelievable', 'fantastic' or 'unbelievably fantastic'. 

Opinions are divided on whether Liverpool's transfer business will enable them to retain the league title, whether Manchester United will be less useless than last year and whether Arsenal finally buying a striker will make them less Spursy.  However, the potential use of any other superlatives to describe good players playing well this season was described as 'unbelievable'.

Despite reported rumours of words such as wonderful and memorable being introduced for the new season, it is understood that no additions were made to the commentators' vocabulary during the summer.  On the contrary, pre-season training has concentrated on strengthening the use of the existing structures and patterns of speech to make best use of the existing words.  However, Ally McCoist can still only say unbelievable or fantastic about the beautiful game, and not unbelievably fantastic.  Apparently there is no chance whatsoever of him ever mastering fantastically unbelievable.

Gary Neville meanwhile, is said to be working on the judicious use of 'sensational' during his post-match analysis to describe an obdurate defender kicking a tricky, creative winger right up in the air.  But if such a significant change to his delivery doesn't work first time, he is prepared to go back to the tried and trusted 'unbelievable'.