Sadiq Khan to impose 20mph limit on airport runways

Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that he will impose a 20mph speed limit on runways at all London airports.

”The aviation industry is one of the biggest contributors to global warming,” said the diminutive extortionist. “It’s only right that we milk them shamelessly, and claim it’s all to help the environment, or something.”

When one of his advisors pointed out that planes literally have to go faster than 20mph or they can’t generate enough lift to take off, Khan replied “Exactly! Think how much we’ll rake in when every single plane sets off the camera!

”Or if the airlines just decide not to use London airports, then that’ll stop the exodus of rich people from London - it’s win-win.”

However, it’s been pointed out that only two of the so-called “London airports” - London City and Heathrow - are actually in London, and therefore subject to the dictator’s whims. This raises the interesting prospect that the super-rich may have to use Stansted, Luton or even Southend Airport when fleeing the country.

Socialite Iguana del Prada is said to have been “taken aback” when the check-in clerk at Southend greeted her “Awright Princess, just getcher luggage up on the scale then, luv” and frankly insulted by the suggestion she might have packed it herself.

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"We really miss Boris Johnson" - Despondent journalists pen open letter to Starmer

A number of Westminster press pack members have written an open letter to Keir Starmer begging him to ditch his bland, magnolia, completely insipid and totally nothing persona. Urging him to "buck up and adopt a more Boris Johnson like approach to the job".

One of the letter's signatories explained: 'Obviously, when in office Boris was an utterly feckless buffoon. He wouldn't have known the truth if it bit him on the arse. He had no understanding of important policy details and absolutely zero ability for the job whatsoever. And of course he hadn't a shred of personal integrity.

'But, I mean. Come on. It was never a dull moment. One minute he be hiding from us in a fridge, the next he was involved in illicit piss-ups at No.10 during lockdown. Blagging the cost of his wallpaper from the taxpayer, then all the stuff about his inability to keep little Boris in his trousers. Not to mention running roughshod over the very concept of common decency and continually lying to parliament. By God he was good for column inches and sales.'  

Downing Street has yet to comment but a spokesman for the PM said: 'Look, keep this under you hats for now. I can't see Keir going full Boris, though we're lining up a photo op where he's going to run through a field of wheat without first having cleared it with the farmer.' 

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Maxwell offered immunity on condition she doesn't give evidence

In a plea deal thought to be the first of its kind, Ghislaine Maxwell has been offered immunity from prosecution on condition she doesn't turn states evidence and tell the justice department everything she knows.

"Sure, it's kind of unusual," admitted US Justice Secretary Tommy Fratboy, a recent appointment of President Trump. "It's more common to offer minor criminals immunity in return for their testimony against kingpins. It's in the public interest to catch the big fish, even if it means letting the little fish go.

"But in this case... er... look, the whole Epstein thing is such old news, why are people still obsessing about it? Seriously, there's so much going on that's more interesting. Have you seen the new season of the Kardashians? That Kylie Jenner sure is hot! And then there's sport - how 'bout dem Cowboys?"

He added that he'd certainly never been to Epstein's island himself, if Epstein even had an island, which he couldn't confirm because he'd certainly never been there.

However, other senior government officials consider it risky to release Maxwell even under conditions which amount to a super injunction.

"We've been talking to our colleagues in Britain, who say there's somewhere we can put her which guarantees she'll never be seen or heard from again."

Asked what it's called, the official said "Well, this might be a typo, but it says here it's called 'Mrs Brown's Boys'."

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