Rail services on the island of Sodor nationalised

After the government nationalised c2c railways last week, the next operator on the list is the North Western Railway, which runs all the rail services on the island of Sodor. It will also become part of Great British Railways, set up by the government to oversee the rail system in England, Wales and Scotland.

Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander said passengers had been suffering under-investment and waste, because the rail operator for Sodor had not been living in the real world.

The Minister said public ownership would tackle ‘deep-rooted problems’ experienced on the railway. Recent incidents have included trains stuck in tunnels, trains simply refusing to move, and various other bizarre incidents. Customer service has suffered because the rail company only has one replacement bus, called Bertie. She noted that the safety record of the Sodor railways are ‘very alarming’ and ‘a national embarrassment’. In addition, the remuneration of the Fat Controller was quite obviously far too high. 

Nationalisation will put the railway on track for modernisation, with a new high-speed line, complete with bat tunnels, and due for completion by 2045, subject to funding. There will also be new rolling-stock, to replace the current fleet of steam-driven locomotives, many of which have faces painted on them. The Minister refused to be drawn on the likely costs.

Shadow rail minister Colin FitzJohnson said that the idea that savings could be made by nationalising the railways on Sodor were ‘a complete fiction’.

Picture credit: NightCafe studio AI

BBC announces first ever AI concert at the Proms

The BBC has confirmed this year's Proms will reach another milestone, when on July 30th the music will be provided by AI, two Apple Mac computers and Sir Cliff Richard.

Festival Director, David St. Hubbins* commented: 'In our modern AI digital age this was really an inevitable development. On the night the programme will consist of two thirty-minute pieces improvised by Artificial Intelligence. We're all very excited.

'Quite literally we might hear anything. So you see, once again The Proms shows it is not the stuffy preserve of the luvvies and la-di-da upper classes. Au contraire, it's at the very cutting-edge of artistic creativity.'

When one puzzled reporter asked what role Sir Cliff Richard was to play in the event, St Hubbins said, 'Oh, well,of course, he's our fallback performer in case there's a power cut.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

You know the school holidays have started when...

• When all the shops that sell school uniforms are urging parents to purchase September's clothing ahead of the annual growth spurt.  You'll just have to guess what size the ankle-snappers will squeeze into in six, seven weeks time because in September the shops will be full of ski wear and winter tops for the New Year's bash.  Make sure you pick up their Halloween outfits at the same time as their oversized uniforms, because all that will be left at the end of the school holidays will be Boris Johnson and Michael Gove masks left over from the lock-down Halloween sales. 

• When all the roads are incredibly quiet.  Apart from the roads leading to the coast, ports, North, South, East and West.  They'll be log-jammed for at least eight weeks, until the final British holidaymaker is forcibly repatriated by Haven Resorts.

  
  

• When sales of Union Flag sleeveless tops soar in specific seaside resorts, along with Nazi tattoos and far right hatred, which apparently can be purchased in bottle form, useful for filling with stolen petrol for throwing at police vehicles.  Outrage, like child growth, also increases exponentially at this time.  Allow for full meltdown on Twitter by the second week.  It's probably in full meltdown in the first week, but you'll be too busy buying school uniforms and won't notice.

• When Nigel Farage appears on any remotely topical political TV show, despite only having four (at time of writing, could be less by now) MPs, fewer than practically every other political party, and none of which we ever see. Despite being platformed, he won't answer any policy questions and nobody, but no-bloody-body will ask him how Brexit is doing.

Correction, the fourth point is true all year round.  Unfortunately.