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US seizes control of entire back garden paddling pool

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In a coordinated attack, the US military has taken full and complete control of a small inflatable unicorn.


White House officials in optimum brag mode confirmed a great conquest. 'Operation Playpit has been a total success, requiring the combined force of 40,000 armed soldiers, 8 cavalry units, 200 military aircraft, a fleet of Pacific battle cruisers, and the sum of all CIA, NSA, FBI and ICE intelligence.


'The strategic gains of this glorious victory are immeasurable.


'We now have absolute domination over a significant part of US soil. As you can see from the map behind me, the swingball set will be in our possession by sundown, and the trampoline will be fully surrounded as early as next week.


'There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever of a list on the fridge door held in place by a strawberry flavoured magnet.


'There have been losses. And we must raise the debt ceiling a further five trillion dollars. But this is the price we must pay for these vast gains, striking at the heart of our Californian enemy.'


A neighbour who witnessed the siege confirmed, 'The family's pet hamster kept the US military at bay all through the night. At one point she had them pinned down, but eventually succumbed to the onset of daylight.


'It could have been much worse. There could've been water in the paddling pool.'



Elon Musk sends old flame Donald Trump a scare package

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The White House has received a package ticking more suspiciously than a Tesla.


Personally addressed to 'Nice wig. It would be a shame if something happened to it', the delivery was initially popped over the back fence of 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue by the ever diligent Jeff Bezos.


Following close scrutiny by defunded and non-existent security services, the parcel was declared probably OK, and left on the Resolute Desk along with the usual viciously nobbled giant Russian gherkin, a tub of expired Kinky-Yogurt Jelly, and a bottle of medicinal bleach.


Included in the thoughtful scare package were tickets to an America Party, a selection of rapid unscheduled disassembly products, and a horse's head called Peter Thiel.


It is unclear at this time which of the fake Donald Trumps opened the bundle, but the noise from the Oval Orifice was described as 'a bit SpaceXy'.


However, initial reports confirmed that Mark Zuckerberg was sat on the floor in the corner of his bedroom at someone else's mum's house rocking with his chin on his knees murmuring, 'No one ever sends me nuffink.'



Why those MAGA baseball caps are so popular

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We’re all heartily fed up with seeing Donald Trump in his baseball caps with assorted children slogans on, right?  In England, we got fed up with seeing William Hague in a baseball cap after about a week, so the whole Donald Trump thing has been a massive endurance test.


Donald wears his baseball caps all the time – at work, playing golf, in the shower, doing interviews, whatever. He probably deeply regrets not wearing one that time he was shot – missed out on a lot of free publicity. Donald sells his caps online – official Presidential merch, just send sixty dollars and your voter registration form. Would you like gold trainers with that? We assume that he is selling lots of baseball caps to his acolytes, and we assume that he’s making lots of money.


But why are his faithful supporters so keen on buying baseball caps from Donald Trump?


Following an in depth investigation, and pre-authorised expenditure of sixty US dollars plus postage and packing, we can now reveal why those baseball caps are so popular.


The attraction of the caps to Republican Party members, MAGA supporters, MAHA supporters, Proud Boys, hockey moms, and QAnon members, is all down to the materials used.


The caps are made from all-American cotton and the dyes are from all-American chemical companies. So far, so good. But the clincher is the lining. Each official Donald Trump baseball cap is lined with all-American tin foil It’s actually aloominum, not tin foil, but let’s not get distracted. Whatever it’s made of, it is guaranteed to fend off any Cuban embassy like sonic attacks, Russian mind control rays, errant 5g phone signals, radio waves from Gaydar, and alien abductions.


This also explains, of course, why the purchasers are so keen to wear them, even though it makes them look like small children who are copying their parents. It’s because you can’t put a price on your health – even though RFK is giving it a good try.



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