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Isle of Wight plans negative tourist tax

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We really want visitors to come,' says Carrie van Park, who works for the Isle of Wight tourist board. 'A tourist tax will just discourage visits. But we realised that a negative tourist tax would do the opposite.'


The negative tax is provisionally set at three pounds per night. Economists have estimated that this could increase overnight visits to the island by between one thousand and one hundred thousand over the tourist season.


'Visitors already have to pay for the ferry to get here,' says Carrie, 'and that is a financial disincentive. Our negative tourist tax will help to offset that. It will apply to all overnight stays, except where visitors sleep on the beach or in their cars.


We welcome all kinds of visitors to our beautiful island, but we draw the line at the cheapskate, low life scum who come because they mistakenly think that they can get a duty free allowance and live off cheap beer for a week, and then save money by not paying for a campsite. That really gives us the needles. There, I've won a tenner. My colleagues bet me I wouldn't say that.'




Trump to star in "Groundhog Day 2: Ukraine, Again and Again"

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"He's a deeply disagreeable, narcissistic showman who treats everyone around him like dirt," said a spokes-clapperboard for the Groundhog Day franchise.


"Therefore, the gods punish him by making him try to get a peace deal for Ukraine, on a loop, for the best part of a year.


"Every time, it's the same story. Donald Trump tries to bully Zelensky into giving Russia everything it wants - because that would make the whole business so much simpler. Every time, Zelensky's European allies come to his aid and he resists.


"Then Trump starts all over again, trying to ram Russia's wish list down Zelensky's throat and make him swallow it.


"Every new day in the movie starts with a cute and chubby rodent called 'Witkoff' poking its head up in the Kremlin and then getting paraded around the place by oligarchs for people's amusement.


"'Why does Trump try so hard to clinch this peace deal?' I hear you ask," said the spokes-groundhog. "Well there's a love interest Trump is trying to impress, who he'd do anything for.


"We tried to persuade the delightful Andie MacDowell to reprise this role. However, she said no amount of money could persuade her to do an romantic scene with someone as repulsive as Trump.


"'Who do you think I am, Stormy Daniels?' were her precise words.


"So we had to settle for some ageing Russian goblin called Vladimir. Luckily, Trump's fallen head over heels for him - the weirdo."




Broad-shouldered community condemns Budget tax rises

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People with broad shoulders across the UK has expressed outrage at Rachel Reeves budget yesterday, claiming they are unfairly being expected to carry the brunt of tax rises on their admittedly impressive deltoids. 


'The Chancellor says those with the broadest shoulders should bear the biggest burden of tax rises', noted Mick (22-inch shoulder width) towelling himself down during a 30 minute weightlifting workout at the Muscle and Bustle gym in Croydon. 'I'm now facing punitive marginal tax rates of 70% and what..I'm just expected to take it on my granite chin?' 


Over 500 mesomorphs, including Daniel Craig, Ben Shepherd, Thor, Hercules, Wreck-it-Ralph, every Gladiator from the TV show,  and the family of Geoff Capes have signed a letter published in the Guardian today, complaining about overt discrimination in the measures announced in the budget.


'We are just your average bodybuilders, firefighters, A-list male action movie actors, front-row rugby players, or Olympic swimmers', said the sultry, muscular male model from the 1980s black and white Athena poster where he is holding a baby with no top on.


'Our worry is that this is just the thin end of the wedge. Who's going to be the losers in Reeves next budget - the barrel-chested? Strapping hulks? Bullnecks? Or anyone who's a bit stocky or thick-set? 


In contrast, narrow shouldered ectomorphs have welcomed the measures. Michael McBride, 19, with a shoulder width of just 14 inches said timidly it was good to get some benefit from the budget, and it would certainly ease the pain of years of relentless bullying he'd experienced for many years at school as he emerged from chess club at the end of lunch break.




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